Don’t Laugh — This Could Actually Happen

There are still some small towns in northern Ontario, off the highway, down a dirt road, where this sort of thing happens. In fact, most people up there would tell you this is their favourite part of the wedding reception.

Keanu Reeves Says You Are Getting Very Sleepy

Does Keanu Reeves cloud the mind of others? Does he use his nefarious powers to force himself onto unsuspecting women? Does he use his shape-shifting ability to assume the form of a guy named Marty from Ontario?

No. That’s stupid.

This is what an Ontario judge decided today, but it’s strange that it took a judge to make that call. It’s the ruling in a strange, strange case in court in Barrie, Ontario right now, in which a woman claims she had several children with Reeves, the “whoah” actor famous for the major hit films Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, Speed, The Matrix and Feeling Minnesota (well, that one, not so much).

She told the judge she and Reeves (a Canadian) have known each other since they were children, had a long-term relationship and he was present for the birth of their children. She asked for $3 million a month in spousal support (retroactive to November 2006) and $150,000 a month in child support (retroactive to June 1988) for her children, now 25, 23, 22 and 21. Take a wild guess at the results of that DNA test: “Keanu Reeves …. you are NOT the father!”

Ah, but there’s a reason for that, she told the court: Reeves is a master hypnotist who can change his appearance and assume other identities, including the woman’s ex and someone called Marty Spencer. He can use those powers to change DNA results. Sometimes, she told the court, he comes and finds her at McDonald’s and uses his powers there. And she can prove it, she told the judge (she represented herself).

• Judge: “Okay, prove it.”
• Woman: “I have the proof. I just can’t show it to you.”
• Judge: “It’s time for you to leave now.”*

This whole thing is ludicrous. Really, if someone like Keanu had the ability to change his appearance and control other people’s minds, he wouldn’t be going to Barrie to make babies. He’d be at home shining all the Oscars he collected for the Matrix sequels.

* Conversation imagined

He’s Making His List, Checking It Twice

This song is dedicated to Mandi.

Mayor Sallie

This small-town American mayor ordered her police officers to stop chasing suspects on foot, then gave reporters the runaround about it. I like how this guy keeps his cool in the face of this kind of lunacy.

This has actually happened to me. Man, I don’t miss being a reporter.

Nonsense Indeed

I have a soft spot for nonsense poetry. This stems from a book I was given as a child: Edward Lear’s Nonsense Books. This was a small bound hardcover, a collection of long-form poems and quick limericks, issued in the style of the old Hardy Boys and Tom Swift and Nancy Drew book I liked, which may have prompted someone — I forget who — to give it to me.

If you don’t know Lear’s works, check some of them out here.

That book vanished along with a lot of my other prized possessions, somewhere between the crash, the shipwreck and the fire. So I was quite happy and surprised last year when I was given a box of kids’ books, and in it was … the same Edward Lear edition. I set about to read the bizarre limericks to my children, and learned quickly that while they share my sense of humour in many ways, they don’t quite get things like this:

There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he’d eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.

See, I think that’s a gem. The kids just rolled their eyes. And don’t even get me started on how I tried to introduce them to the concept of the Yongy-Bongy-Bo.

A couple of weeks ago, I was given another box of old books (among many other things). Among them was a small, slim book of nonsense poetry, this one from the 1950s. That’s the cover up top. Pleased, I decided to try the book out on the kids. I didn’t get far, because I opened it to this page:

Now, the first three are just bad poetry, tedious and dull, nowhere near Lear’s level of wit. The second one is also a tad sexist (but we covered this yesterday, so you know how I feel about politically correct revisionism.)

The fourth poem, though, the one with the illustration, stopped me cold. It seems to advocate date rape, with accompanying art that is just vague enough to spark my WTF alert. I flipped through the rest of the book and realized that even within the literary genre called “nonsense,” there is nonsense. I’m all for explorations of shitty attitudes people used to have, but not to the point that it makes me look away. I shouldn’t have to look away from what purports to be a kids’ book.

The Dukes of Dummer

We went caving last week near a town called Dummer. I am not making that up. Apparently, last year, the town fathers considered a name change, but decided the benefits of being named for an early Irish settler (Mr. Dummer) outweighed the problems of being called Dummer. This led to great newspaper headline opportunities involving the phrases “Dummer mayor sticks with name …” and “Dummer town council rejects change …” and “Dummer residents tired of bloggers joking about them …”

On the drive home, I got to brainstorming and came up with this idea for a TV pilot: The Dukes of Dummer. This is not an entirely original swipe; Canadian television boasts a program called Little Mosque on the Prairie, which is exactly what you think it is. This is what we do in Canada. We steal.

Anyway, here’s my idea: The Dukes of Dummer is the fun and lively story of two cousins, Mo and Juke Duke, who are also brothers, because their fathers were brothers but their mother was the lady who works at the chip truck. Hey, it was the 1980s and Nazareth was playing at the hockey rink, and the brothers wanted poutine, and things got a little wild when Juke’s daddy found a bottle of Baby Duck he forgot he had.

These days, the Duke boys roar around Dummer in the General Brock, a 1989 Mercury Topaz with a picture of the Tasmanian Devil painted on the hood and a Bad Boys Club decal in the rear window. Because the doors are broken, they have to crawl through the hatchback, which leads to great action visuals.

Supporting characters include Uncle Geddy, a retired rock star who raised the boys; Petunia, their sexy cousin, who works at the chip stand owned by Boss Logg, the mayor of Dummer and owner of its other businesses, which include a bait shop and two taverns. Also in the cast: OPP Sergeant Bosco D. Cullane, OPP Constable Anos Thwaite and local mechanic Pooter, who wants to run for town council but is told he has no head for politics.

The pilot will set up the characters and explain that Mo and Juke have just returned to Dummer after a 60-day stretch in the jail for stealing a box of Kraft Dinner from the gas station in nearby Donwood. Now that they’re on probation, they’re being closely watched by Logg and Cullane. Future episodes will include plots like these:

• Strangers come to town with nefarious ideas, only to be nabbed by the Dukes, who were suspected by Logg and Cullane of being the culprits.
• Strangers come to town with nefarious ideas, only to be nabbed by the Dukes, who were suspected by Logg and Cullane of being the culprits.
• And, of course: Strangers come to town with nefarious ideas, only to be nabbed by the Dukes, who were suspected by Logg and Cullane of being the culprits.

I’ve just mailed the pilot script to the CBC. I’ll let you know how this turns out. But hey, I could be heading for the big time, baby!

• UPDATE: I have received casting approval for my first choices. The roles of Mo, Juke and Pooter will be played by these guys. Geddy Lee hasn’t called back yet, though.