Archive for the ‘News Updates’ Category

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How I See The World

May 9, 2012

I like this new Android app, Cartoon Camera, which lets me share with you, via my phone, how I see the world, because I tend to think I’m in a comic book most of the time.

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Vegetables

November 18, 2011

I am totally like in favour of how the Americans now say pizza sauce is officially and legally a vegetable, because it means ketchup, mustard and relish are also vegetables, and this justifies my all-cheeseburger diet. Although I do cheat sometimes with a hot dog.

In related news, I bought a bag of PC “Ballpark Hot Dog” potato chips in the discount bin at the grocery store and do not recommend them, because the name sort of lets you know what to expect, and they did not at all taste like anything except old all-dressed chips left over from like five years ago.

In Mexico once, I bought lime and pepper Pringles, and that was almost as weird.

I now challenge Republican presidential candidates to come up with something even better to classify as a vegetable, like cows or gasoline.

 

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Grand Theft Buggy

September 15, 2011

Federal investigators have arrested eight suspected international smugglers in rural Pennsylvania, saying the group was operating a high-level vehicle parts ring from a series of barns in an isolated valley. Levi, Zachariah, Abram, Simon, Johan, Isaac, Aaron and Jayden, all members of the Zook family, are currently in custody as investigators determine the extent of their criminal operation.

“At this point, it seems to be a fairly sophisticated network of trafficking in black-market ball bearings and buggy wheels,” said Lionel DeTyme, deputy director of the U.S. Bureau of Unusual Low Level Smuggling/Hijacking/International Trafficking.

The suspects will appear in court next week.

When asked whether such items command a level of interest on a par with weapons, drugs and alcohol, DeTyme said there’s still a market for horse-drawn carriages in many third world countries.

“Really, it’s the bearings,” he explained. “There are a lot of people in those loser countries who have an interest in getting their hands on quality American balls.”

 

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I Wanna Be Your (2 1/2) Men

July 19, 2011

We now have our first look at Ashton Kutcher as the new star of Two and a Half Men, along with co-stars Duckman and Annoying Boy. This leads me to wonder whether … ah, fuck it, I don’t care.

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Heat Of The Moment

July 18, 2011

We are now into week five of oppressive, brutal heat here in icy cold Canada. With temperatures in the Celcius-packed 30s every day, no rain and the kind of humidity that makes you feel like you’re wearing a wet sweater, this is hard to take. Health warnings have been issued. People are getting sick.

So if you’re one of those people who still thinks Canada is a frozen wasteland, kiss my sunscreen, baby.

The biggest problem comes when the conditions build and build and build until thunderheads collide and storms roar forth, which happened last night in Ottawa when high winds pulled water from the river and destroyed a festival stage as Cheap Trick was playing.

Mother Nature prefers Aerosmith.

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You Can’t Always Get What You Want

July 13, 2011

Here’s a true fact: If I have to get somewhere quickly, I will hit every red light along the way, and wind up stuck behind someone driving half the speed limit. But when I really need a red light so I can reach into the back seat and get my sunglasses out of my man-purse, every light will turn green just as I approach.

This is a karmic phenomenon I can connect with this weird thing that happens when I spend hours at my desk waiting for an important call, hit the can for a minute, and come back to find my message light flashing. “Sorry I missed you — I’m leaving for the day, so I’ll call you tomorrow.”

I also do not like it when the cashier in the express lane at the grocery feels the need to talk to every customer ahead of me about their purchases while slowly examining each item before bagging it. “Oh, this looks tasty — have you had it before? Maybe I should try it … “

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Moving: The New Neighbours

July 6, 2011

I suspect the guy across the street has never even heard of the Internet, so I’m not worried about him ever reading this. Which is good, because I am going to complain a bit.

We are now one week into life in our new house. We’ve moved back into the city, and are perched on a quiet cul-de-sac in the suburb built in the 50s. So the trees are big, the grass is green, and the homes are well-established. Things may have looked prefab a generation ago, but now this neighbourhood has grown into itself. We quite like it. Except for one thing.

There is an old man across the street who sits on his front steps and watches us all day.

He doesn’t sip a beer, or read a newspaper, or do crosswords. He just sits there, in a lawn chair on his four-foot-by-four-foot concrete front step, and stares at our house, from sunup to sundown. We can see him from the dining room and one of the bedrooms. He just watches us. Occasionally, he’ll look over at the people next to him, if they’re out polishing the boat they’re trying to sell in the front yard. But mostly, it’s us.

We’ve met him. He came over as we were moving in and introduced himself, and promptly told us all kinds of things about the woman who lived in this house before. She was his primary source of amusement, it seems. And now, that job falls to us. I will have to work on my Juggling in a Speedo routine.

“Well,” Mrs. Weathereye told me after I went on a rant about the subject, “at least if we get robbed, we’ll know what the thieves look like. He’s our security system.”

I like to look at the bright side of things, and in this case, I wish I could be like him, still and calm and watchful. So easily amused. It would save me a lot of money on books and DVDs and the Internet …

Someday I’ll get used to having neighbours again. Next, I’ll tell you about the mullet guy who does sudoku puzzles all day and the bearded, bespectacled character we have nicknamed Big Giant Jakob.