Keanu Reeves Says You Are Getting Very Sleepy

January 7, 2010

Does Keanu Reeves cloud the mind of others? Does he use his nefarious powers to force himself onto unsuspecting women? Does he use his shape-shifting ability to assume the form of a guy named Marty from Ontario?

No. That’s stupid.

This is what an Ontario judge decided today, but it’s strange that it took a judge to make that call. It’s the ruling in a strange, strange case in court in Barrie, Ontario right now, in which a woman claims she had several children with Reeves, the “whoah” actor famous for the major hit films Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, Speed, The Matrix and Feeling Minnesota (well, that one, not so much).

She told the judge she and Reeves (a Canadian) have known each other since they were children, had a long-term relationship and he was present for the birth of their children. She asked for $3 million a month in spousal support (retroactive to November 2006) and $150,000 a month in child support (retroactive to June 1988) for her children, now 25, 23, 22 and 21. Take a wild guess at the results of that DNA test: “Keanu Reeves …. you are NOT the father!”

Ah, but there’s a reason for that, she told the court: Reeves is a master hypnotist who can change his appearance and assume other identities, including the woman’s ex and someone called Marty Spencer. He can use those powers to change DNA results. Sometimes, she told the court, he comes and finds her at McDonald’s and uses his powers there. And she can prove it, she told the judge (she represented herself).

  • Judge: “Okay, prove it.”
  • Woman: “I have the proof. I just can’t show it to you.”
  • Judge: “It’s time for you to leave now.”*

This whole thing is ludicrous. Really, if someone like Keanu had the ability to change his appearance and control other people’s minds, he wouldn’t be going to Barrie to make babies. He’d be at home shining all the Oscars he collected for the Matrix sequels.

* Conversation imagined


One comment

  1. I hate Keanu Reeves, ever since I saw Speed and figured it was the dumbest movie ever. I wish he did father those kids so I would have the proof of what a loser he really is.

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