Punch That Canada Goose In The FaceMarch 23, 2011
The Canada Geese are back. The dumbasses started showing up a few days ago because they think it’s spring in Canada, and did not notice the blizzard.
I’m seeing them everywhere now, looking confused. Yes, they are our national symbol, but so is the beaver, and what does that tell you? I hate Canada Geese, and I would like to punch them in the face.
But why? You can ask. And you know me — I’ll tell you.
- Canada Geese, called “Canadian Geese” in the U.S. and “Geese” everywhere else, are large, dumb, slow, ridiculous birds, and there are thousands of them. Wherever they gather, shit happens.
- That wasn’t a figure of speech. My kids can’t swim at the perfect beaches in our city because of goose shit simmering in the water. And they can’t play in the parks because of goose shit all over the grass. And they can’t launch our Batman five-person hot-air balloon because of their stupid sharp V-shape formation in the sky.
- It’s not even a V. Stupid geese can’t even spell. It’s like a raggedy N with a broken leg, and there’s always one exceptionally stupid goose, the Dane Cook of geese, off on the side, all slow and limpy. He’s usually the one they ditch behind a gas station in North Carolina. “We’ll be right back, Dane! We’re just going in for smokes. Wait here, hee hee hee.”
- Once, I saw a bunch of geese who flew north too soon, parked on a slushy frozen lake, and were stuck there when the ice froze around their legs. The lake was behind a tavern called the Plaza Hotel, a real class joint. Goose Bowling was a big hit with Jean-Marc and the boys that night, es-ti.
- “Sorry, kids. I know we drove all the way here after spending the morning packing the van with beach toys, picnic grub and all that other crap, but the sign says the water is toxic because of all these geese.” … “But Dad!” … “I’ll just take you to the air-conditioned mall and spend a few hundred dollars to make up for it, and don’t call me Butt Dad.”
- I’m as Canadian as the next guy (if the next guy is from Oklahoma City, that is), and I love my country and the red-and-white flag and the hockey and bacon and all that. The geese, however, I lump in with Celine Dion and curlers: people seem to love the idea of them … until they actually see them up close and in action, and realize that the initially interesting long-necked honking bad-smelling creature is actually a major nuisance, and so are the geese.
- They’re aggressive little shits. You can’t go near them without them honking and barking at you. And they bite, the fuckers. No teeth, but it still hurts. I would tell you how I know this, but I promised Chris P. Bacon I wouldn’t ever tell the story of how he got his honker chomped by an angry Canada Goose. And by “honker,” I don’t mean “nose.”
The biggest problem with these stupid birds is they taste like crap, even with a good barbecue sauce. And so, Canadians, I urge you: punch a Canada Goose in the face. You Americans can do it, too, if you want, but I warn you: they’re tough little bastards, and they might make you cry.