The Mathematics of Hockey

Hockey really is the most unusual sport on the planet. I have played it and followed it all my life, and after years of research I have determined that there is far more going on down at the rink than just a game. Consider the facts revealed by deciphering the secret language of mathematics:

1. A regulation NHL ice surface is 85 feet by 200 feet. This means it has an ice surface of 17,000 square feet.
2. Factor in the chilly air above the ice surface and the invention of the wrist shot by Bobby Hull and you’ve got roughly 15,000 cubic feet of available space within the arena.
3. A hockey puck is an inch thick and three inches in diameter. This means a standard NHL arena can hold eleventy-seven million hockey pucks, give or take.
4. The average lineup for the ladies’ room at an NHL facility is 12 people long.
5. The average lineup for the men’s room at an NHL facility is 44 people long. This reversal of the norm has been noted in the Harvard Journal of Lavatorology. While not germaine to this study, it should be noted as an indicator of smartness.
6. Each NHL team has 23 players. Twenty play in each game, while three sit out, except for the Toronto Maple Leafs, in which case those numbers are reversed.
7. These players are in a fairly constant state of motion throughout each game.
8. Each of those players has a head about the size of one of those balloons you tie to a rubber band and punch over and over again, or maybe a small pumpkin. There are exceptions.
9. Relatively few NHL players wear facial protection. Face guards aren’t mandatory in the league.
10. On each player’s head is a roughly 1 inch by three inch mouth. There are exceptions.

Statistically speaking, it would seem highly unlikely that a 1×3-inch rubber puck could hit a moving target that’s roughly its size in such a vast space. And yet the proof is clear in every picture you see of an NHL player without his dentures: they’ve all lost their front teeth. Of all the things in all that 15,000 cubic feet of empty space for pucks to hit, they tend to hit teeth, over and over again. This defies the laws of physics.

You might call it divine intervention, or maybe blame it on aliens or the ghost of Harold Ballard. As a scientist and journalist, I form no conclusions. I simply present the facts and let you decide.

Hinterland Who’s Who: One Last Thing

Here’s one more look at the wildlife of my proud land. These aren’t as unique to Canada as the Muskox or the rare Flying Attack Beaver, but they are still an essential element of what makes the Great White North the glittering jewel of perfection that it is.

And of course, this famous beastie. Be careful about feeding them; give it a treat and it’ll never leave.

Today’s Moron: Steven Rheault-Kihara

As all you smart-type people know, the first rule of international diplomacy is this: Always have a tuxedo close at hand for last-minute gala receptions. I know this from watching spy movies.

The second rule is this: If you’re going to bad-mouth your boss on Facebook, don’t leave your account set to “Public.” I know this because it just happened.

Steven Rheault-Kihara is the guy who broke the second rule. The 46-year-old Canadian, who handles political and economic relations and public affairs at the Canadian Embassy in Bangkok, was just outed as a serial bad-mouther when, for some reason, his Facebook Wall stopped being For Your Eyes Only.

People around the world got a look inside Rheault-Kihara’s private life in a big way, reading as he lambasted the Thai government — not something you want to do when you’re a PR guy in their country — and described his need to party. This wasn’t confined to his friends. Everybody could read it. And when they did, they found things like this:

• On his boss, Prime Minister Stephen Harper: “As much as I think he’s a terrible leader, I thought that Stephen Harper gave a good show last night.” (Harper had just performed on an Ottawa stage with Yo-Yo Ma.)
• On Harper and his then-rival, the leader of the Liberal Party: “If you put a gun to my head and forced me to choose between (Stephen) Harper or (Stephane) Dion as PM, my answer is simple: Pull the trigger, please.” (Canada was facing the possibility of a snap election.
• On the media: “Quoting from an audit report is the laziest form of journalism, but then again, no-one ever accused Greg Weston of being a journalist.” (He’s wrong; everyone knows this crap I do is the laziest form of journalism. Sheesh.)
• On sports: “I think the Leafs’ll take the Cup this year, and when they do, I’m getting a tattoo of their logo.” (This proves he’s delusional, or maybe I just made that one up. Yeah, I think I did.)

When are people going to learn how to control their online presence? They mouth off about their employer, they get fired. They post boobie photos, their moms see them. This kind of thing happens to people all the time, but rarely with this level of political WTFness. This is a guy criticizing his boss, but in this case, his boss is the most powerful person in the country. Not smart.

There has been no word from Harper’s people as to what he thinks of all this, but our PM does not suffer fools gladly; I suspect Rheault-Kihara might be looking for work tomorrow. Well, at least he has a tux.

Rheault-Kihara has yet to acknowledge what has happened, and I expect there will be something along the lines of “My Facebook represents my private life, not my public life, yada yada yada.” That doesn’t wash here. If you want privacy, if you want to be able to express your opinions about politics and politicians, fine. Don’t go into public service. And if you do, keep your trap shut. This is a lesson he has learned far too late.

In related news, I just sent my C.V. to the Canadian Embassy in Thailand.

Hinterland Who’s Who: The Loon

Okay, I like this one. I have spent many nights on isolated northern lakes, places without roads, and the call of the loon is a signal that everything is all right in the universe.

The Hinterland Who’s Who guy, whose voice is imprinted into Canadians like a maple leaf tattoo, calls the loon’s call “haunting.” I guess he’s right. But I always found it a familiar, reassuring friend as I tended the fire, as I made pemmican, as I waxed my paddle.

This concludes my obligatory Canadian Content for this week.

Happy Birthday

Today was Elizabeth’s birthday, and I spent most of the day scrambling around trying to juggle a couple of projects with spoiling her rotten. So here are some things that happened:

1. I got her a Shuffle, which is the cutest little thing. It’s for the gym. She laughed and said her last music player was a cassette Walkman that hung on a strap. I hooked Lil’ Shuffle up, put some songs on it, and she casually mentioned that sometimes she listens to Starbase 66, which made me very happy.
2. I also bought her a dozen roses, which I arranged beautifully as a centrepiece for the great dinner I was making. A few minutes before she got home, the doorbell rang; her father had sent her a dozen roses. Bigger and better than mine. I felt a little diminished but she said “You can never have too many red roses,” and she was right.
3. It hailed while I was out buying flowers, which meant the florist told me “You might want to wait before you take these home.”
4. While I was waiting, I saw a guy I used to work with. He was wearing an orange jacket.
5. Pizza Pops were on for $2 a pack, but they were sold out of the kind I like, so I didn’t buy any.
6. When I got home, I finished a piece that was due, made several phone calls to people I didn’t necessarily want to talk to, and I answered thousands of emails from fans.
7. The dinner was to be chicken curry, but I misread the recipe and it became atomic super-nuclear solar chicken curry inferno, with extra heat. She was very polite about it. I like recipes that say “Open the box, press “3 minutes” on the microwave.”
8. I started wishing I had Pizza Pops in the freezer. This is the kind of emergency they’re meant for.
9. I did buy a cake, and it was a hit. It was a good cake. I put just six candles on it, because I know what I’m doing when it comes to chicks.
10. We went to rent a movie, and it was her choice. She was holding Twilight for a while, but ended up choosing Stone of Destiny, which you should all watch.
11. After we got back from Blockbuster, she said she wanted to tidy up for a moment, and she spent an hour cleaning. This included vacuuming. I said “You shouldn’t have to clean on your birthday,” and she said “It makes me happy.” Hey, she can bake, too, folks. While she was doing that, I set the VCR to record the V pilot. I never stop being a geek, even on birthdays.
12. The hamster came out and wished her a happy birthday, and then ate cake crumbs.
13. We watched the flick, then talked about Scottish history for about an hour. Somehow it got into a conversation about The Da Vinci Code.
14. She went to bed. I watched V. It was pretty good.
15. The kids are back this weekend, and she’ll have a gala party with them. It will feel more like a bash than my horrible meal and non-stop references to V.
16. I just went upstairs for a sec and she had The Da Vinci Code on the bedside table.

Most importantly, she had a great day at work, she came home looking fantastic, and we had a great night, despite the fact that the dinner I cooked burned through the plates before we could finish eating. I like stretching her birthday out over a few days, too, because she deserves it.

Hinterland Who’s Who: The Muskox

I’ve never seen one of these, either.

Really, if you want a guide to Canadian wildlife that we see all the time, it should include raccoons, black squirrels and stupid drunk guys with mullets outside the arena.