10 True Facts About Water

June 9, 2011

Okay, so I live in Canada, where we take water for granted, and you might not, so ha ha. Do you have to have water trucked in? Sorry, dude. Actually, that happens not far from here, because there’s a casino that was built without a freshwater supply, so the drinking water has to be brought in daily. Again, ha ha. When people who wear Depends because they won’t leave their slot machine of choice worry about having fresh drinking water, I will just give them an armful of Loonies and send them on their way.

Because I am in a sciencey mood, I am going to tell you about water today.

  1. Water exists in three basic forms: solid, liquid and gas.
  2. A Belgian paratrooper once told me drinking eight litres of water a day will cancel out everything else bad you want to do to your body, including cigarettes, fast food, beer, lack of sleep, people with inadequate protection against STDs and Wi-Fi.
  3. All the water on Earth has always been here. Seriously. It is constantly recycled and changes its form, but in its basic chemical form (H2Whoah), it has always been here. So that Diet Coke you’re drinking right now, think about this, because I’m dealing with mathematical certainties here: that Diet Coke contains water that has passed through the bodies of millions of people and animals, rained down, been swum in, touched the hulls of ancient boats, irrigated fields, been part of the ice age and was at one point a jello shooter someone sucked out of Lindsay Lohan’s buttcrack.
  4. As a liquid, water is either fresh or saline (saltwater.) We can’t drink saltwater, and it’s a pain in the ass to wash your clothes in, as I learned on the island. There is a process involving distillation that allows stranded people to get fresh drinking water from saltwater, but most people who get stranded are pretty stupid and don’t know it.
  5. My daily diet also exists in three basic forms: solid, liquid or gas. But the gas comes later, and usually because of the first two.
  6. One time, some guys in a lifeboat drew straws to decide who would eat who first. This came after drinking seawater.
  7. In reality, I drink a scary amount of water. Not as much as a Belgian paratrooper, but a lot. I like to think it keeps my girlish complexion glowing, and maintains my amazing muscle mass.
  8. Belgium has paratroopers, although I can’t tell you what they’ve actually ever done.
  9. One of the best ways to obtain water in a dry environment (desert, etc.) is to cut open a cactus. If you’re afraid of cactus, here’s what you do: you dig a shallow pit and place a metal or plastic receptacle about six inches down. Then you spread a plastic tarp over the pit. In the middle of the tarp, you place a rock, weighing the tarp down so that it touches the receptacle, but leaves a bit of space at its bottom. Then you wait something like nine or ten days, and you will have a few drops of condensation-based water. If you are one of those stranded desert people who happened to have a plastic tupperware container, a tarp and a rock, and know how to do this, you can take comfort as you die in knowing this would have worked if you could have held out for nine days in the heat for a drop of water.
  10. Now that I think of it, I got that Belgian information from a book. It might not have actually been me in the story. Also, I might have written a version of this before. But this one is more truthy.

One comment

  1. I think 8 liters of water a day, unless you sweat it out in a nearly equal amount will kill you. Cause of death: waterpoisoning.

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