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Before the Rapture Comes

May 20, 2011

Just a few hours to go before the End Time, folks, so here’s a quick list of things I plan to  squeeze in today before I either ascend to The Great Beyond (not bloody likely) or find myself consigned to an earthbound hell, which I kind of already am, because my neighbour mows his lawn at 6 a.m. on Sundays, and once he threw a dead skunk in my yard.

So here’s my list for today:

  • Eat whatever I want. I have lost more than 20 pounds since Christmas by packing healthy meals at home rather than relying on quick takeout. I work long and odd hours, most of them spent driving around the county in a rusting minivan, and it’s often easier to hit the drive-thru than head home for a decent meal. Since changing my habits, I have slimmed down and feel much better about myself. Well, fuck that, folks. If the world’s about to end, I’m having McBreakfast, a Wendy’s lunch with an Arby’s chaser, Pizza Hut for dinner and a quick tour of BK, Taco Bell and Harvey’s for a late night snack.
  • Give all my money to those homeless guys outside the beer store.
  • Learn to fly a plane. Hey, I’ve always wanted to, so now’s my chance. See, it has never been easy for me to just show up at a flight school and ask for a lesson (for the same reason border guards look at me funny before calling me Abdul). But I would love to fly, so I guess I just wouldn’t take no for an answer from those flight school douchebags.
  • I was kidding about giving my money to the homeless. I don’t have any money.
  • Tell people how I really feel about them. Hey, if you see my number on your call display over the next few hours, get ready to be told, fucker.
  • Rob a bank, just for the thrill of it. And then give the money to the homeless. And then come home with leftover Taco Bell and await the rising or whatever it’s called, or Homeland Security, whichever comes first.

If you want to know how things turn out on Saturday, stop back here in 24 hours and I’ll tell you all about it, if I’m not in Gitmo.

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One comment

  1. If you could fly, you could fly away from whatever destruction is coming and pull some hollywood style stunts.
    What a way to go.



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