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May The 4th Be With You

May 4, 2011

I think the title of this post is really, really clever and, of course, super-unique. I spent the whole day thinking it up.

Today, in honour of Star Wars Day, I am going to tell you a little-known story about one of those Star Wars outtakes you hear about, but never get to see, because George Lucas has the only copies, and they’re on a Sony Watchman he keeps on the back of the toilet in the bathroom off the master suite at Skywalker Ranch. I’ll have to ask the Admiral to have a peek the next time he’s there.

Anyway, as a professional science fiction talk-abouter (at the moment, I am preparing for tonight’s recording of a Star Wars episode of our podcast), I have been thinking a lot about Star Wars today, and I was reminded of this particular outtake. I’ve never seen it. But I’ve read the script, because my old boss’s neighbour’s ex-wife used to know this woman whose husband was a tour bus driver for Billy Idol.

I can recreate the script from memory:

  • SCENE: Death Star jail-type place. The door swooshes open. PRINCESS LEIA is reclining on the cot, running one hand up and down her leg.
  • LEIA: Aren’t you a little short for a stormtrooper?
  • LUKE: Aren’t you a little bit ungrateful? (Luke removes helmet) I’m Luke Skywalker. I’m here to rescue you. I’m here with Ben Kenobi!
  • LEIA: You look kind of like me only not as boyish.
  • LUKE: What’s with the hair? What’re those, handgrips?
  • HAN: Quit bickering, you two! We gotta get outta here!
  • LEIA: Just give me a minute to change. I think there’s a pair of shorts and a tank top in the cupboard.
  • LUKE: We don’t have time for this!
  • HAN: I think we should let her change.
  • LUKE: This is not the time for Little Han to be making decisions, and anyway, I saw her first!
  • HAN: He’s right. We gotta go, lady.
  • LEIA: Not before I change.
  • LUKE: Enough already!
  • CHEWBACCA: RRRAAARRRRRRRRR
  • LEIA: How can you seriously expect to rescue a damsel in this dress?

The final version was a lot shorter. Like Luke. Happy Star Wars Day, nerds.

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