Maybe Paul Really Is Dead

March 7, 2011

In case you don’t know the story, visit this fine website first. And then come back here for the absolute super-actual truth about whether or not Paul McCartney is alive or died 40 years ago, his death covered up with the use of an imposter and backwards masking. I have been looking into this for a long time, and I think I may have come to the definitive conclusion. As you know, I require no annotation or footnotes, because I am right.

  • Alive: Why would anyone pretend to be Paul McCartney for all these years? I mean, it would make sense in 1966, but the Beatles broke up in 1970, and McCartney hasn’t done anything since. Who would keep pretending to be some old-lady-looking washed-up pop star?
  • Dead: On the cover of Abbey Road, Paul is holding a cigarette, and we all know cigarettes kill. This is what we paulisdeadologists call “a clue.”

Alive: The current Paul McCartney plays bass left-handed. The original one did, too. Conclusion: same guy. There aren’t many other left-handers out there, and the ones that know anything about music know better than to play the bass.

Dead: If you play The White Album backwards while actually driving backwards and on the wrong side of the road, like in England, you will hear John Lennon sing “Paul Is Dead, Paul Died Like A Year Ago, We Replaced Him With Another Bloke, and also the Cubans killed Kennedy.”

  • Alive: William Campbell, the Scottish-born Canadian police officer said to have been Paul’s replacement, didn’t look anything like him. Not one bit. So the idea that Paul McCartney was replaced with this third-rate Bay City Rollers tribute band singer is stupid:

  • Dead: It is said the imposter Paul had his face adjusted through plastic surgery, which sounds ridiculous, until you realize that the modern version of Paul McCartney kind of looks like he might know what that’s all about …

Alive: Ringo Starr said Paul was alive, and we all know Ringo Starr can never lie. He’s Mr. Conductor.

Dead: Phil Collins also said Paul was alive, and all know what a lying sack of crack that guy is. He can’t actually feel it coming in the air tonight.

Conclusion: ALIVE. In our hearts. Yeah, yeah yeah.


One comment

  1. Paul was replaced by a robot. Everyone knows this. It only kept going after 1970 because no one knew how to reprogram it.

    Amazing bit of engineering, BTW, that naturally aging business. The robot they replaced Cher with had a glitch in that department.

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