Archive for February 14th, 2011


Why Justin Bieber Lost

February 14, 2011

You will probably want to say something about how wrong it is for me to criticize a teenager, but really, people, once you are able to purchase Caribbean islands, you stop being a teenager. Game on.

Have I ever mentioned that I’m pretty sure I once threw Justin Bieber a Toonie outside a theatre in Stratford, Ontario while he played Neil Sedaka songs on an acoustic guitar? No? Well, your loss. Also his, as Justin was not named Best New Artist at last night’s Grammy Awards, a decision that created a vacuum as millions of grownups grinned just as millions of young girls imploded in a storm of misspelled Facebook messages and text messages. “OMFG!”

But while the Bieberians struggle with the reality that the music establishment knows Justin for what he is — a talented kid with about six more months’ worth of future — I have put some thought into just what caused his Grammy flameout.

  • … He’s Canadian, but not very polite, and that confuses Americans.
  • … Cutting all that hair off his face has turned out to be a mistake. Young people started thinking he was Zac Efron, and people my age started thinking he was just another kid who needs to pull up his pants.
  • That girl who won “Justin’s Grammy” is like all talented and everything, so it’s okay. “She like totally deserved it,” said the Bieb through his tears.
  • … It’s an evil Jonas Brothers conspiracy. During the seven months they ruled the world, they bought most of the music industry under a variety of trusts and shell corporations, like three Bruce Waynes with sure-it’s-not-a-mullet haircuts. “Next,” says Joe or possibly Kevin Jonas, “We’ll tell Bieber he has to star in a remake of E.T.”
  • … “As E.T.”
  • … Arcade Fire won big, and that hit the Canadian suck-ass garbage music quota for this year’s Grammy Awards.
  • … Shaun Cassidy, Ricky Nelson, Leif Garrett, Menudo, NKOTB, N’Synch or whatever they were called, 98 Degrees, The Bay City Rollers, Fabian, Donny Osmond, Hanson … The Bieb may be big today, but it’ll be a few years before he can compare himself to teen idol Paul Anka. But then again, Paul Anka was no Neil Sedaka.

Coming soon: “I’m doing this CD of heavy metal covers because I want to explore my boundaries.”

Also coming soon: Me taking my daughter to the Justin Bieber 3D movie. I sort of promised, and now she thinks I’m cool.