That List Of Celebrities I Would Like To Punch In The Face

February 13, 2011

About that …

I have mentioned this list many, many times here and on other websites, on various shows, and probably in real life, back when I was spending a lot of time in pubs. It’s a malleable thing, nowhere near a set list (yet) but slowly working its way toward a definitive top 10 of famous people I think would benefit from a shot to the jaw from a certain nerd who can bench more than his own weight, and that’s saying a  lot, because today I had McDonald’s.

One person who will always be on the list is this asshole:

Yeah. Denis Leary stays high on the list not just for being unfunny, a bad actor, annoying and for looking like the leftovers from an iguana abortion. He stays high on the list because he is a thief. This is no secret; it has been talked about and discussed by people much smarter than I will ever be, and also Joe Rogan. Denis Leary stole the routines that fuelled his comedy rise and led to his career as “oh yeah, that guy” in bad movies, and on a cable show about firemen.

I suspect Denis thought nobody would notice that he had snared his entire act from a rather unknown young Texas comedian, except that the young Texas comedian was Bill Hicks, who changed comedy, changed the world and stepped beyond standup to be one of those rare comedy philosophers whose influence is still heard today.

He’s dead, Bill Hicks is. He died of cancer in the 1990s, just as he was poised for superstardom. He managed to get in a few digs at Leary in his final weeks (“I have a scoop for you. I stole (Leary’s) act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and, to really throw people off, I did it before he did”) but to be honest, he was probably too busy fighting a fatal illness to worry about the seventh-billed star of Operation Dumbo Drop.  He was also probably wondering why Jeff Foxworthy was creating a T-shirt line, or maybe that was just me.

So here’s the deal about my list. I am going to punch Denis Leary in the face. All I need is a bus ticket to wherever he’s hanging his douchy thieving hat these days. If you buy me the bus ticket, I will give you my Bill Hicks CDs. You will thank me, then thank me again, and later I will post on the Internet a picture of Denis Leary missing a tooth and peeing his pants and crying, because I just read the Wikipedia page on boxing so I know what I am doing. Recognize.

  • Tip for aspiring standups: If you’re going to steal bits, and we all know you all will, don’t do it from a dying guy who’s about to become the Kurt Cobain of antiestablishment comic. It’s a sure-fire guarantee you will end up rich and famous, fuckers.


  1. Good post. Still looking for the list, or is it just a really short one?

    • Getting longer, actually.

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