Your New Zodiac Sign

January 13, 2011

Did you hear about this? Super-scientist guys have decided our zodiac is totally inaccurate due to tides, El Nino and the Apollo moon landings, and if you woke up this morning thinking “Maybe I’m a Leo,” well, you were wrong. Using careful physics and astronomy textbooks with distinctive yellow and black covers, these wizards of the stars have come up with the definitive zodiac, the first changes since the sign of D’artagnan the Musketeer was dropped in 1941 to avoid offending the conquered French.

Here are your new zodiac signs, people:

  • Mediocrates: Jan. 20-Feb. 16
  • Protoplasmia: Feb. 16-March 11
  • Albert: March 11-April 18
  • Slurpio: April 18-May 13
  • Sammendes: May 13-June 21
  • Oprah™: June 21-July 20
  • Influenza: July 20-Aug. 10
  • Atari: Aug. 10-Sept. 16
  • Mammaria: Sept. 16-Oct. 30
  • M. Night Shyamalan: Oct. 30-Nov. 23
  • Riker: Nov. 23-Dec. 17
  • Feces: Dec. 17-Jan. 20

There is also talk of returning a long-disused 13th sign to the zodiac: Octopussy. The debate over whether to do so has been somewhat curtailed by the fact that astrology is bullshit.



  1. If I might repeat what I just tweeted…Greatest blog post EVAR!!!!!!!!

  2. Love it! But my bday falls on a date where I have to pick between 2 of them. hmmmmm…. RI-iker it is methinks! 😀

  3. Oh god I’m an Oprah! Why couldn’t I be Riker?

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