My Powers Have Returned!November 16, 2010
Yes, loyal readers, I have triumphed over evil, kicked the Kryptonite into the ocean and flown to the sun, restoring my dormant super-abilities and returning to action. I apologize for my absence; I had to fight seven evil exes, and it took a lot out of me. Well, just one. Also, I had a cold.
When the cold went away, something strange happened: my sense of smell returned. It has now been about six weeks, and I’m still overwhelmed each day that the fifth sense — I lost it in my early teens due to a sinus condition combined with several fists to the schnoz — has returned. With the return of my sense of smell, I am in perfect health, except for the blind right eye, gimpy leg, asthma, fatal allergies and really bad sense of humour.
So. In re-exploring the world of scent, I have come to some conclusions regarding humans’ ability to smell. It’s a necessary sense, I say, although, to be honest, the only real hurdle I faced over my 30 years of nasal numbness involved getting the kids to sniff suspect milk before pouring it over their Corn Flakes, and a heavy reliance on carbon monoxide detectors. And here are some other good points/bad points:
- Good: Homemade pasta sauce, Elizabeth’s cookies, my mother’s roast chicken, my Kenyan coffee blend.
- Bad: The KFC near my house.
- Good: Gasoline. Wow, I forgot about the smell of gasoline.
- Bad: The washroom at the food court at the mall downtown. Wow, I forgot about the smell of homeless people who spend all their time in a food court.
- Good: Bakeries. Yeah, it’s kind of like the first one, but really, I could spend days in bakeries.
- Bad: Other people smoking. Five years after quitting, I have finally become “that guy,” the ex-smoker who waves his hand in front of his face while passing someone standing outside having a fag.
- Good: Elizabeth’s perfume, finally.
- Bad: The cologne she bought me a couple of Christmases ago. Yeekers. Now I know why you look at me funny.
- Good: Bedsheets that were hung to dry on the line. How can old flannel smell like sunshine?
- Bad: Sportswriters. How can old people smell like soggy Corn Flakes?
Meanwhile, my moustache continues to come in nicely. Someone called me “officer” the other day, or maybe that was a dream. You can donate to the thing under my nose at www.TacheRangersSyndicate.com if you want to help fight prostate cancer.