Who Fired A Rocket Off The Coast Of California?

November 9, 2010

Something lit up the sky over the Pacific Ocean today. Some say it was a rocket launch, or some kind of laser weapon, or a missile test. Perhaps it came from a submarine, meant as a show of some foreign nation’s military might. North Korea? China? Bolivia? Belgium? We don’t know. What we do know is that if you think it was a laser, you are probably a nerd. Go check in a mirror if you don’t believe me.

We do have some experts who say it was just an airplane contrail viewed from a weird angle, and maybe that’s the case. But that’s really, really boring. So I did some careful sciency research and came up with some alternate theories:

  1. A promo for the new Captain America movie: If you recall, in the 1990 version of Captain America, the Red Skull tied Captain America to a rocket and fired him from Europe to the Pacific Northwest, where he landed and offered up a new definition of a flaming missile. So this could be a new promo for the new version of the film. I am in favour of any marketing gimmick that involves tying Chris Evans to the front of a rocket.
  2. Bill Gates, just because he can. “Wouldn’t it be great to blast Cupertino off the face of the earth? Hey, Ballmer, look into that for me, wouldja?”
  3. The Swiss, finally saying “Fuck it, we have these little red knives, so let’s kick some ass.” Sadly, the rocket, built by Swatch, landed in Belgium.

I’m leaning toward No. 3, but hey, I liked that first Captain America movie.


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