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The Next Star Trek

November 5, 2010

This image is making the rounds of the Internet today. It’s probably bogus, but it does serve as a neat little reminder that a new Star Trek movie is due in 2012.

Whether this image is fake or not doesn’t matter, because I have managed to get my hands on the first draft of the script for this new movie. And while I don’t want to ruin it for you, I will tell you five things you can expect to see, or not see, maybe.

An important note: There is no Khan. Khan is being ignored, because we’ve already been through the 1990s, and none of that shit happened, so it would be stupid to go back and try to explain it now. Anyway:

  1. Most of the major cast members will be returning, along with Ashton Kutcher as Gary Mitchell and the kid from Two And A Half Men as Will Decker. The only change is the removal of Anton Yelchin as Chekov; apparently, Walter Koenig exercised some weird old favoured nation clause in a contract he signed in the 1960s, and he will return to the role. Specialty wigmakers have been hired.
  2. The plot is a remake of the TOS episode The Gamesters of Triskelion, and will be shot entirely on a soundstage.
  3. Uhura’s shiny silver ear-buttplug has been upgraded with a vibrate setting, in case someone calls while the captain is talking.
  4. William Shatner has a cameo as George Kirk’s father, Tiberius “Tibby” Kirk, the cantankerous groundskeeper at the Vulcan embassy on Earth. In the scene, he and McCoy (Karl Urban) get drunk and swap impersonations of Chris Pine doing impersonations of Shatner.
  5. Now you know why Uhura is always smiling in the background.

I got the script from my cousin, who stole it from a girl who got it from her roommate, who is having an affair with the guy who makes the photocopies at Bad Robot. Don’t tell.

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