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I Am Going To Sue Some Kids

November 2, 2010

Now that a New York judge has ruled that a child, now 6, can be sued for negligence for something that happened when she was 4, I have some ideas. This might be my ticket out of the financial doldrums, people, my big payoff, my cash cow. All I have to do is find some kids to sue. After careful research, I came up with these:

  • I was in line at the grocery store the other day, and it was clear the toddler in the stroller being pushed by the woman ahead of me had not had his diaper changed in quite some time. The smell was objectionable and I was forced to buy extra frozen pizzas to compensate for the mental anguish. I then could not fit into my pants and had to buy a new suit. I am suing for the cost of that suit ($129.99), the cost of the pizzas ($15.76) and pain and suffering ($50 million).
  • A little boy at the park got to the swings before I could, and I was unable to use them for almost ten minutes. This delayed my departure from the park, which caused me to hit a Mercedes when I ran that stop sign. The Mercedes owner is still in the hospital and he’s probably going to sue me, so I’m suing the kid for whatever the Mercedes guy sues me for, plus repairs to my car ($560, its total value) and pain and suffering ($50 million).

Okay, that’s $100 million. But I’d like to go for an even $250 million, a quarter billion. So I need the big one, the high score. And I think I’ve found it.

  • A kid at the pharmacy pushed one of those buttons on the electronic display designed to offer samples of kids’ music available on CD. The sample was Somewhere Over The Rainbow from a Wizard of Oz disc. This caused my daughter to ask if we could rent The Wizard of Oz, so we went to the video store and I got the Blu-ray, but after we watched it the disc vanished. The video store called for weeks, and finally billed me more than a hundred bucks for the replacement disc. This meant I couldn’t afford groceries that week, so I spray-painted a Nerf gun black and held up the pizza place on the corner, making off with $78 and some coupons for chicken wings. Later, when I tried to use the coupons, I was arrested and sent to jail, and spent six months behind bars, during which time the family lived on Kraft Dinner and even had to cancel cable. When I got out, I learned I had lost my job. I decided to sell off all our furniture to make ends meet, and in  doing so found the Wizard of Oz Blu-ray down the back of the sofa. I hocked it for three bucks and bought a lottery ticket, and in an effort to change my luck around, switched the last of my usual numbers. My usual numbers came up, but I was that one number off from winning the jackpot. I’m suing the kid at the pharmacy for the cost of the Blu-ray, lost wages for my time in jail, court costs, the cost of my furniture and the loss of the lottery jackpot, which comes to $150 million, bringing me to a perfect $250 million.

All in a day’s work.

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