How To Punch Celebrities

October 16, 2010

If you’ve decided to go ahead and start punching famous assholes when you see them out and about, I can offer some tips and advice.

  1. Mel Gibson: This guy needs a fast one in the bag. Wear your heaviest boots and distract him by looking Jew-like for a moment, then fire a foot right at those little Bravehearts.
  2. Mark Zuckerberg: Not the real Mark Zuckerberg, of course. The one Michael Cera played in The Social Network. That Mark Zuckerberg was uber-annoying and probably deserves a punch; all you have to do, though, is frown at him and he’ll run. It’s not like he can call on the Winklevi for backup. I have no beef with the real Mark Zuckerberg, unless he  makes Farmville mandatory.
  3. Michael Cera: Speaking of Michael Cera, all you have to do is point at a photo of Michael Cera, and wherever he is, he will flinch and probably cry.
  4. The Situation: I don’t know this guy’s actual name, but I would suspect he’s sensitive about his abs, so go ahead and plow him one right above his innie. Target your shot by triangulating his airbrushing with his spray-on.
  5. Jon Heder and Wil Ferrell: You can go ahead and get all medieval on these two. Pliers, blowtorch, whatever works. I can say this because I own a DVD of Blades of Glory.

If you start going around saying I’m advocating violence, I’ll make you No. 6 on this list.



  1. Mark Zuckerberg is played by Jesse Eisenberg, not Michael Cera.


    • I think you meant Andy Samberg.

  2. You’re taking “actor hurdles” too far. 😉

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