I Took The Test. Still Not Gay

August 20, 2010

This is the official certified test from Christwire.org that is generating all the buzz right now. It will determine whether I am, in fact, gay. It lists warning signs to watch for; I’ll see if they apply to me.

1) Secretive late night use of cellphones and computers.

Um, yes. I’m doing it right now. Sometimes I just have to upload a funny picture of the Admiral in a leotard to the Rock Paper Scissors forum.

2) Looks at other men in a flirtatious way.

Guilty. But it was Shatner, and you would, too.

3) Feigning attention in church and prayer groups.

Yeah, I can honestly say I’ve never done this.

4) Overly fastidious about his appearance and the home.

I think Mrs. Weathereye would gladly accept me being gay if this part were to come true. I’m the guy who spends a whole workday with shaving cream in his ear, and the basement is always a mess.

5) Gym membership but no interest in sports.

The exact opposite, in fact. Except golf. Golf is kind of faggy.

6) Clothes that are too tight and too “trendy.”

Let’s try an experiment: I will wear tight, trendy clothes to a gay bar, and we’ll see how quickly I end the night alone. Do bicycle shorts count?

7) Strange sexual demands

At my age, the strangest sexual demand I could make is “Should I take off my socks?”

8) More interested in the men than the women in pornographic films.

I’m kind of guilty of this, but only because I’m studying their acting technique. And the lighting.

9) Travels frequently to big cities or Asia.

Uhh … big cities or Asia? I hate big cities, and I’ve never been to Asia. I do walk past the Asian Food Market every few days. I like it when they have a live chicken running around. That’s some funny shit right there. I went to a big city, Toronto a while ago and managed to avoid getting gayed up.

10) Too many friendly young male friends.

Denied! All my friends are girls, including some of the guys. One time, my friend Rob shyly gave me a Butthole Surfers cassette and invited me to a poetry reading. But we don’t talk about those days.

11) Sassy, sarcastic and ironic around his friends.

This does not sound like me at all, bitches.

12) Love of pop culture.

The test specifically mentions The Golden Girls, which is apparently the gayest show of all time. These people have clearly never watched Gilligan’s Island, or Starsky and Hutch, or ChiPs.

13) Extroverted about his bare chest in public.

Well, I used to be, and then the neighbours signed a petition.

14) Sudden heavy drinking.

That was a different petition. For some reason, this question goes on to ask whether hubby comes home from a night out smelling like cigarettes and gel. The type of gel is not specified.

15) Ladies, have you dated men in the past who turned out to be gay?

She can’t answer, because she’s waiting for me to finish the test.

Conclusion: I am not gay, not that there’s anything wrong with that.



  1. God: Helping believers indulge in guilt-free bigotry since his invention by money-grubbing political back-climbers.

  2. Funny, isn’t the core assumption of groups like this that there’s no such thing as “gay” at all … just a set of poor “lifestyle choices.”
    I’m sensing a mixed message, or perhaps I should say a bi-message.

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