Manly Tips: The Stock Market

August 19, 2010

I don’t really know how the stock exchange works. I saw Trading Places lots of times, but I usually stop around the part where JLC whips out the sweater puppies. So I don’t know commodities from mercantiles from options from whatever. I buy my shit with cash and that’s good enough, and if old white guys want to sit around and talk percentage points and that sort of crap, leave me out of it.

But I couldn’t say no when my buddies Sly, Jason and Dolph asked me to come down to New York and ring some bell or something at the stock exchange. “I’ll ring your bell, baby,” I said. Sly likes it when I call him “baby,” but not in public.

So we went down to New York and stayed in a hotel and ate tons of steaks and boned the Rockettes, then in the morning got all duded up and went to this big place full of nervous looking nerds.

I promised the guys I would be on my best behaviour, but when I heard that bell ring, I went into fight mode and ended up scaring all the old white guys. Sorry about that, old white guys.


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