Archive for July 15th, 2010

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Dear Mom, Please Send Money

July 15, 2010

Dear Mom,

I need some cash, and I hope you can send it right away. That job at Appleby’s fell through because they were stupid fuckers and the head busboy had it in for me because the cleaning lady told him she thought I was hot. I have been filling out applications all over but this town is so fucked and stuck up nobody will even give me a interview because they hate tattoos. They’re racists against tattoos.

Also, I got into trouble because the landlord is a racist too. He hates tattoos and bald people, and he wouldn’t if he knew how much work I have to put into shaving my head. It’s like an hour at least, so I try to do it when The View is on.

The cops say I tried to run my landlord over but that wasn’t true. I was so hammered I didn’t know where I was driving! It was his stupid fault that he got in my way. It’s not like it’s against the law to drive on lawns.

This is all because the landlord told me I can’t play my music at night, and he has a problem with the whores in the tent behind the house. That makes no sense, but I think he’s just jealous because he only likes Jim Croce and whores charge him way more than I pay.

They wrote about me in the paper and it was all bullshit. I told the reporter to bite my spike but she went and asked the fucking cops what happened and they told her all this crap. And she talked to you, too, and I’m glad you stuck up for me, like that time with that girl who looked at least 16.

So please send some cash for bail and food and rent and also I want to get a tattoo of a monkey giving the finger. It would look good between my horns. I also want to get my horns tattooed but I’m worried it would make my horns look like nipples. That looks good on yours, but I’m a dude, so no. Who did your eyelid piercings, anyway? Those are fucking amazing.

You can send a check or come bring cash on visiting day. Could you bring some vaseline, too?

I love you

Jess

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Green Lantern: No Evil Shall Escape My Sight

July 15, 2010

Yes. This is how it’s done. This is how you take a fairly silly costume — Hal Jordan always looked like he was wearing a woman’s one-piece bathing suit — and make it right. Get this: It doesn’t exist. It’s CGI. Ryan Reynolds has never actually worn a costume; he acted the part in a capture suit. I like this. My favourite super-hero looks good. The movie comes out in a year, and I’m ready to charge up my battery.

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Superheroes On Their Day Off

July 15, 2010

With The Black Penetrator finally vanquished and Blood Onion behind bars, Lion Girl and Mane Man had a chance to sit back in their Utica home and relax with a nice light snack. Later, after tongue-bathing himself, Mane Man called his mother and asked her to pretend she had knitted him the new sweater when in reality, it was his ex-mistress, Grease Girl of the Crack Attack Sexy Force, who had made it. Once, he printed a picture off her Facebook page and put it in his tights. Lion Girl has no idea, but that’s because the scientific experiment that gave them lion powers also gave Lion Girl the actual brain of a lion. “Eat and pee,” she said. The snack issued a terse “no comment.”

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I Kissed An Oompa Loompa … And I Didn’t Like It

July 15, 2010

The sad thing about this photo is that you probably didn’t notice the Oompa Loompas at first.