Archive for July 1st, 2010

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No, We Haven’t Been To Mars

July 1, 2010

Sorry, folks, but I’m going to have to call bullshit on this one, with an extra helping of not fucking likely.

Here’s the video:

The bloggers here would have you think this is a lost film shot during a joint U.S./Soviet expedition to Mars in the 1970s. I say that’s a crock. Here’s why:

  1. It looks fake. It looks like someone jiggling a modern digital camcorder over a picture of Mars, with an old camera lens and a model rocket held in front with masking tape.
  2. If anyone landed on Mars, we would know. Why keep it a secret?
  3. Oh, because of the aliens. Sure. It always comes back to the aliens.
  4. If we’ve already been to Mars, why are we now sending robot landers? What’s the point? It’s not as though people on Earth were clamouring for NASA to get to Mars. Most people don’t give a shit these days.
  5. The idea of the U.S. and the Soviet Union teaming up for anything in the 1970s is ludicrous. I’d be more likely to believe Fidel Castro stopped by for coffee with Jimmy Carter.

We haven’t been to Mars, folks. And we may never go to Mars. We have been to the moon, and we stopped going, because it’s actually kind of pointless to go to the moon more than once or twice. Well, that’s what I used to think; now we know it holds a lot of water, so there’s that.

I’d be more interested in visiting Venus, if only for the chance to work on my tan.

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The Ten Greatest Living Canadians

July 1, 2010

Today, in honour of my country’s birthday, I would like to tell you about the people I consider to be the 10 greatest living Canadians.

  • 10. Shatner. And you know why.
  • 9. Pamela Anderson. She’s funnier than you think, and smarter than you think, too. I have always kind of liked her, and find her far more interesting the older she gets.
  • 8. Alex Trebek. We went to the same high school in different decades. When I was a kid, he hosted Stars on Ice, a weird Canadian show about famous people doing skits on figure skates. I keep emailing him, asking him to grow the moustache back, but he obviously isn’t getting my messages.
  • 7. Alan Thicke. He wrote the theme to Diff’rent Strokes, and he had a talk show, and he’s still so good-looking it’s scary.
  • 6. James Cameron. He’s a small-town Canadian kid who became king of the world, then waited a decade or so and did it again.
  • 5. Wayne Gretzky. Sure, soccer’s all the rage these days, but let’s not forget the skinny kid with the big nose who radically changed hockey in the 80s and then married a super-hot actress. I once saw Keith Gretzky at a shopping mall and he had girls following him around.
  • 4. Leonard Cohen. Many people think he should be number 1 on this list, but when you see number 1, you will understand.
  • 3. Arthur Black. The king of Canadian talk radio has retired from the CBC, but his books and shows are still out there. Personal bias alert: Arthur is a longtime friend of the family, and most of what I say and do in broadcast form comes from him.
  • 2. My mom.
  • 1. Me. Because I got you to read all this stuff about Canada, and you’re probably a foreigner.
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Happy Canada Day

July 1, 2010