Manly Tips 12: My Workout Secret

June 15, 2010

One time at the beach, this chick told me I looked like a condom stuffed with walnuts. I took it as a compliment but then I realized she was looking at my face. So I said “Fuck this, time to pump some iron!”

And look at me now.

You don’t get guns like these at some gym full of prettyboys in spandex and $500 sneakers. You get these down in the basement, on cold concrete, with a banged-up old bench and a set of rusty iron weights left over from the Korean War. You get rock-hard monsters like these with a shitload of grunts and sweat and gritted teeth.

When I crank these puppies up to 11 and go to town on my pecs, delts, traps and lats, I can feel the burn, baby. And I have a secret that I’m going to share with you mokes: supplements. No, not that protein shake garbage or that creatine formula or those steroids or any of that chemical shit. There’s only one thing you can put in your body that will get you looking like me, and looking like me quickly.


Don’t fucken laugh. Chug back a six of Old Milwaukee and get to work on the bench, and you’ll see immediate improvement. See, the beer is just loaded with carbs, so you have plenty of energy. And it dulls your senses, so you can do like 100 reps per arm on preacher curls, or 300 chin-ups, or 125 upright rows with the 200-pound curl bar. You can actually do a month’s worth of weights in about half an hour, and see the results.

I like to flex in the mirror.

Next week: Why jogging makes you look like a dick.



  1. Love this 🙂 brilliant

  2. I not only endorse this plan, I’m a client. *burrrrp!*

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