Where’s My Submarine?

March 16, 2010

There has been a lot of talk in the media lately about jetpacks, usually along the lines of “They told us there would be jetpacks in the future.” That’s also the name of a band, I think, which is another example of bands who get all clever and literary with their names in an attempt to distract us from the fact that they still use MySpace. I own an album by … And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead, but I never say their name out loud, because it’s stupid.

Back to jetpacks: a company called Martin is now offering jetpacks for sale for $100,000. I am tempted, and I think I would probably buy one tomorrow if I weren’t so responsible. After all, I have $100,000 in the bank, but that’s for buying old comics.

Having a jetpack would be a fun adventure (I’m thinking of The Rocketeer here, people), but once you look into these things you notice a few concerns:

  1. They are slow and unweildy and kind of dorky
  2. They hold only a few minutes’ worth of fuel, so you won’t be flying to Vegas or anything.
  3. It can’t be worn under your clothes when you’re in your secret identity.

So I don’t think a jetpack is in my immediate future. I might, however, look into getting one of these (or making my own. I think there’s an old vacuum in the garage):

All of this got me wondering about the things we were promised as kids. And the one that I always wanted, the thing I hoped for most, was something that was advertised in comics in the 1970s: Sea Monkeys. No, wait. Personal Submarines. These ads promised real, working subs for something like six bucks, and I wanted one something ferocious.

Now, in my middle age, those old feelings have returned. I live in a city of lakes and rivers, not far from a treasure trove of ancient wrecks preserved in the icy waters of the Great Lakes. And I hate scuba diving. A personal six-buck sub might be the way to go (although they probably go for about $10 now).

  • UPDATE: I clipped the form from the back of the comic and sent it in. I included some extra cash for inflation and also asked whether the sub would fit a big Klingon like me. I’ll let you know what they tell me. Now I’m going to go practise periscoping.
  • UPDATE 2: After careful investigation, I have uncovered a previous report on this submarine, and I now think the jetpack may be the way to go.

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