My Fellow Canadians

February 20, 2010

Yes, I am the president of Canada, or, as we refer to the job, The Main Guy, eh. And as your president, I promise a snowmachine in every driveway and a large poutine on every table. All your kids get free touques and Gordon Lightfoot will sing at your wedding, because I said so and also because he is not dead.

Go back to watching the O-Limp-Icks now, please. One of our skiers came in 39th and is about to cry. Meanwhile, I am going to issue my most important Executive Order to date: “Hey, Alex Trebek! Grow the damned moustache back, wouldja? My mom likes you better that way.”


One comment

  1. Alas, Ohioans know nothing of the wonder that is poutine. I will be its evangelist, a savior of the people. And I will open a funeral home for the copious grease-and-cheese-induced heart attacks that will surely follow.

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