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New Winter Olympic Sports

February 18, 2010

I’m barely watching the Olympics this year. And they’re being held in Canada, and they’re being held in the province of my birth, my homeland strong and free and all that … and I just don’t care.

We watched some of the speed skating. Guys with bulgy legs went around and around. We watched some of the snowboarding. Guys with baggy pants swooped up and down, up and down. We watched curling … wait, no we didn’t. Curling isn’t watcheable. As David Letterman said Wednesday night in his Top 10 Facts About Curling, “Nobody knows how long the games last, because nobody ever stays.”

It’s time to get rid of some of these stupid, useless “sports.” Luging? Skeletoning? What the hell is the biathlon all about? If I wanted to ski for a bit, then shoot a gun at a target, I’d move back to Northern Ontario where that’s called “grocery shopping.”

I propose some new sports for the Winter Games:

  • Broomball: If you’ve never heard of this, you’re missing out. It’s basically hockey, except you play in your sneakers, you use a broom instead of a stick and a ball instead of a puck, and the goalposts are made of empty cases of Molson Golden.
  • The Snowshoe 100 metres: It’s like all that running they do in the Summer Games, except on snowshoes, uphill both ways. In a blizzard.
  • Tobogganing: Replace luge with good Canadian sledding, which involves packing six people onto a long wooden toboggan with a curly front, sneaking onto a ski hill and dodging trees and security guards. Accessories include tuques, mitts and wineskins.
  • Carpeting: This replaces the skeleton. It’s the same as the toboganning, but it’s just two people packed onto a plastic Krazy Karpet. At some point, the route has to cross a busy highway.
  • Ice fishing: Watch as a fat man sits in a wooden hut on a frozen lake and stares into a hole in the ice. This lasts all day. By the end of it, you’ll miss the adrenaline rush of curling.

We’ll leave hockey there, both the men’s and the women’s. Men’s hockey is good to watch; they stack their teams with NHLers now. But I prefer the women’s hockey. They’re playing the games of their lifetimes when they go to the Olympics, with a passion the millionaire NHL guys can’t ever muster.

I think I’d be passionate about broomball.

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