My Audition To Replace Simon Cowell

February 10, 2010

As you know, I have spent close to a quarter-century as a paid professional music critic. This means I get to tell you what I think about bands and singers, and you’d better listen.

Now that there’s an opening coming up at American Idol — Simon Cowell, as you may have heard, is leaving to open a chain of hair salons — I’m going to try to get an audition. Hell, if they think Ellen Degeneres knows shit about popular music, wait’ll they get a load of me.

To that end, I’m going through my old articles and collecting some of my better, more biting, barbs. Here are a few to whet your whistle; more to come as I dig deeper into my box of crap.

  • “When I was a boy, I used to use kittens as bait when I went ice-fishing for muskie. The anguished screams of those kittens sounded more like music than what you just did.”
  • “It looks like you think I think you’re a good singer, but I think you think I know you think I know you’re wrong. Or, if that’s too confusing, get off my stage, you can’t sing.”
  • “Mars just called to complain about the noise.”
  • “Do you know those whistles that are so high only dogs can hear them? I wish you had a voice like that.”
  • “The most you could hope for in the music business is a job strapping Lady Gaga’s googoo down.”

If it helps, imagine Randy Jackson saying “Yo, Dawg, I feel you” after each of those.

I’ll keep you posted.


One comment

  1. I bow to the master ….

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