Manly Tips 10: Dancing

February 9, 2010

And when I say “dancing,” I mean that shit you have to do every year or two when you get hauled to a wedding and there’s a lineup at the cash bar. If you’re looking for how to ballet or whatever, you can go back to oprah.com or wherever it is you usually hang out.

If you are a man, you are going to have to dance. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not this weekend, but it’s coming. There are three ways this can happen:

  1. You end up at a dance club with some girl who looks good in low-riding jeans, and she wants to get her Keisha on.
  2. You’re at a wedding, and the bride’s hot sister says she remembers you from high school and always wanted to talk to you, but never had the nerve, and do you wanna dance?
  3. You lost a bet.

Here’s how to handle these situations. You can trust me because I’m a fucking expert.

  1. Don’t move your feet. Just sway a bit and nod your head in time to the beat. DO NOT play air guitar, even if a remix of Beat It comes on. DO NOT raise your hands above your head. DO NOT make that stupid chipmunk face. DO let her grind on you a bit, because nobody puts baby in the corner. Wait it out, man, because a slow song is coming.
  2. Weddings are perfect for this kind of thing, because everybody gets drunk, and everybody does something stupid, and everybody makes an unspoken agreement that what happens at the reception stays at the reception. The number of times you dance with her comes from a combination of factors:  Does she have a room in the same hotel? Is she sharing it with that cousin from Iowa? Is it an open bar? Do the math.
  3. Men don’t welsh on bets. Dance, boy. Someone else will get it on video.

I usually avoid all this crap by buying a cheap cane at the nearest pharmacy and wearing five white socks on one foot, with no shoe. Nobody will ask you to dance, they give you the seat closest to the bar, and women buy you shots once they hear about how you broke your leg kicking a guy’s ass because he was abusing a kitten.

P.S. Sometimes you can make dancing work for you. Valentine’s Day is coming up, and chicks love that Dirty Dancing, so think about that as a gift. I keep a bunch of the DVDs in the back of my pickup, just in case.


One comment

  1. Sway and nod , steady feet and no buffoonish ‘I want to die’ grin, I shall remember and practise (Before I grow back the afro) . Hopefully the day on which I am extorted to dance in public will never dawn . Nothing is as humiliating and self-defeating as dancing for me and I avoid places where it is done as if my life depended on it. Good-willed people have dragged me onto the dance floor , budge I did not .

    Thanks for the advice, it’ll come in handy in the future.

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