Manly Tips 8: Music

December 13, 2009

Dear Marius,

I consider you to be a manly man. One of the manliest I know, in fact. You were in the military, you know how to use pretty much every arcane hand tool there is, and you have a tattoo of a dragon on your arm. And then there was the time you used a speargun to fight off enemy agents while scuba diving in Greece … you define “manly.”

This is why I am having trouble with your recent obsession with Lady Gaga. You have made some statements regarding this performer that I find to be not so manly (you know which one I mean). And when you mentioned that you were listening to Poker Face on repeat while cleaning the house and doing laundry, I felt I had to say something.

Men listen to five types of music:

  1. AC/DC
  2. Zeppelin
  3. Stones
  4. Motorhead
  5. Elvis

And that’s it. Other music is permitted as long as it relates, in some way, to those three groups. After all, Marius, you and I share a common interest in Blue Oyster Cult, right? That kind of music is okay, as are other classic rock bands and the kind of metal that doesn’t involve makeup on dudes. Country is permitted … if you’re an actual cowboy. If you’re listening to Taylor Swift while driving your Kia, you suck. And it’s okay to listen to some classical or opera, as long as it’s the horror-movie kind with swords and death. Christmas Carols are also permitted, but only on Christmas day, and only while you’re unwrapping your new scroll saw.

If you do have to listen to Lady Gaga, here’s my suggestion: put the CD in the case from Their Satanic Majesties Request. If you’re one of these all-digital downloader types, use an ID3 tag editor to relabel your Lady Gaga songs as the tracks from Dirty Deeds. That way, if one of the housewives at the nail salon looks over and sees the screen of your MP3 player, you can at least save a little face.





  1. Brilliant. I was wondering too what was going on with Lady Gaga and Marius, but I was afraid to ask.

    I’ve read several discussions on the intertubes where they are questioning if she is really a she or not.

    Hopefully he’ll reply and explain his latest ‘interest’ with this entertainer.

  2. Alas, I cannot explain my appreciation for Ms. Gaga, but it does seem to have faded a bit. At least I have not purchased any of her CDs, so my Black Sabbath and Blue Oyster Cult discs have not yet discovered my ‘indiscretion’. However, might I say that a less manly man might have tried to hide his straying from the testosterone way. Besides, have you watched any of her videos? She’s sexier than Madonna and Britney ever dreamed of being. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a pedicure appointment.

    And it was Cyprus, not Greece.

  3. Elvis? S/He’s a drag king! Lady Gaga is arguable more macho. Also uses more fake blood in her lives shows.

  4. AC/DC are the best!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: