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Manly Tips 2: Changing The Oil

November 18, 2009

If, like me, you live in a two-vehicle household, you will be called upon frequently to carry out minor car repairs. I have a lot of trouble with installing new windshield wiper blades, because for some reason they make those things more complicated than Meccano. And I used to be able to swap out headlights, but now they build cars specifically to make sure you have to take them to the dealership and pay $100 apiece for new headlights.

(We traded in the Ford Focus last year and nobody ever caught on that one of the headlights was held in with duct tape)

I like changing the oil in our vehicles, though, because it’s a fairly simple process and allows me a couple of hours of “me time.” Let me tell you about my technique:

  1. Put on grubby clothes. I used to have one of those mechanic’s coverall suits with “Gerry” on the name tag. I should get another one. The only problem with coveralls, though, is they don’t allow for appropriate handyman-related asscrackery.
  2. Carry your toolbox out to the driveway.
  3. Lie down on the far side of the vehicle, away from the house. You might want to bring a blanket.
  4. Watch the Star Trek DVD on your iPod.
  5. Spray WD40 all over your hands so you smell good and stinky. Do not get any on your iPod. They don’t like it.
  6. Put tools away.
  7. Go inside, spend some time washing your hands, and complain of back pain from the awkward angle you had to work at. Get a neck rub.
  8. When everyone’s asleep, drive to the 24-hour oil-change place, pay $17, get your oil changed while you read the free newspaper.

Let me tell you, I grow more chest hair every time I do this.

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