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How Manly Am I?

October 29, 2009

I just found this quiz online, and decided to take it. For those of you playing at home, I have been accused of being not very manly. Let’s find out:

1. Have you seen the movies Slap Shot, Red Dawn, Weird Science, Clerks, Lost Boys, or High Plains Drifter in any combined order a total of 20 times? All of them more than five times each, so yes. How is Clerks a manly movie? Weird Science?

2. Do you ever find yourself saying “Go get your f@#king shine box” at the most inappropriate times? I have never said that. Or heard it.

3. Have you smoked a cigar during a game of Texas Hold ‘Em anytime in the past 2 weeks? No. I have not held any Texans.

4. Do you know who the team with the most victories in Monday Night Football history is? If you give me a minute to Google it, then yes.

5. Do you laugh aloud every time the giant rack of ribs flips the Flintstones car in the final credits? I laugh at every minute of the Flintstones.

6. Have you ever kissed the Stanley Cup? Yes. And more.

7. Have you ever drank Budweiser from an ashtray, shoe, or a rubber? How is this even a question someone would ask?

8. Do you religiously head bang to the ending of Bohemian Rhapsody? I bang my head to everything. I bang my head to the Skype ring tone.

9. Do you have a favorite Motorhead song? Over Your Shoulder, followed by Ace of Spades, followed by We Are The Road Crew.

10. Have you ever been drilled in the cubes with a street hockey ball? More times than I can count. I’m Canadian. But they ain’t cubes. Not anymore.

11. Do you find Paris Hilton a brutally skanky, bizarre oddity, yet you’d hit it just the same? Yes and no.

12. Are you a normal law abiding good citizen, yet you get off on anyone who is pummeled, maimed, strangled, curbed, or cut up into pieces on the Sopranos? I have never seen the Sopranos. I liked watching Ben beat Sawyer up, though. Does that count?

13. Do you have any sorrow whatsoever for Bill Buckner? Is that the guy who replaced Richard Dean Anderson on Stargate SG-1?

14. Would you stop for a sack of White Castle Sliders even though you were on your way to your mom’s for Thanksgiving dinner? No, because we don’t have White Castle in Canada. But I did go to KFC in the middle of a wedding reception at the club where they filmed Happy Gilmore, only to be pissed off later when the B.C. salmon steak dinner was awesome, and I was full of KFC.

15. Have you ever given nicknames to any of your farts? Who thought these questions up? My six-year-old?

16. Do scenes of John Travolta dressed in drag in the movie Hairspray give you convulsions or seizures? I didn’t see Hairspray because I am a manly man.

17. Have you ever spent more than 30 minutes trying to delete pop-up windows during a random porn surf? No, but I did have to explain to a wife once — forget which one — that Netscape Communicator came pre-loaded with singles websites, and I didn’t bookmark them.

18. Three Stooges episode or Obama / Clinton debate? Stooges. STOOGES. In other words, both.

19. Does the thought of having a Corvette, a Harley, and a Hummer in your driveway make you giddy? Yes, yes and no. Hummers are for guys with little weenies who can’t accept the awesomeness of minivans.

20. Do you own more than three humidors? Sure. I use them to store my comics.

21. Do you soil yourself each time Col. Jessup barks “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH?” If you soil yourself at that point, you have bigger issues than whether you’re a manly man.

22. When flipping through TV channels, do you pause each and every time on the Spanish station while trying to convince your significant other that it’s for educational purposes? I’m Canadian. We have the French channel. Same thing, though.

23. What do you think is heavier: Trying to figure out the meaning of life or Rosie O’donnell’s lunch bag? This quiz just dated itself.

24. Have you ever watched Das Boot and felt bad for the Germans? Sure. But I feel bad for the Germans pretty much daily.

25. Should cheeseburgers have their own box in the food pyramid? Yes. Yes, yes, yes and this quiz just earned its keep.

26. Do you wish you could be Mikey from American Chopper for just one day? I don’t know what this question means.

27. Do you find it to be offensive when a woman displays major rack then covers up when you stare? Stare at what? Shelving?

28. Do you still get awkwardly tense each time you hear Tommy DeVito ask, “What do you mean, I’m funny?…You mean the way I talk?…What’s funny about it?…What the f@#k is so funny about me? Tell me?” Yeah, I love that scene. I once got a Rod Stewart impersonator to do that scene with me.

29. Do you feel Harvey Fierstein should be held accountable for the gerbil shortage in French Guiana? I think whoever wrote this quiz wanted to ask if anyone wanted to feel Harvey Fierstein. In other words, he wanted to feel Harvey Fierstein.

30. Bill & Ted, Harold & Kumar, or Jay and Silent Bob? J&SB all the way.

31. If it was ok with your significant other, would War Pigs be your wedding song? No. It would be Iron Man.

32. Did you swear like a psycho drunken sailor and throw shit at your TV when the screen went to black during the Sopranos finale? I was busy having a life, thanks. Hey, my mother and her wife loved the Sopranos.

33. If Dr. Phil, Simon Cowell, and David Spade were killed in a mine shaft explosion would your immediate response would be, “huh, looks like rain today.” Yeah, actually. Could you throw in that guy from the Slap Chop?

34. Do you admit to drinking a glasses of E. coli laden raw eggs after you saw ROCKY for the first time? I probably had chocolate milk. I was a kid.

35. Who’s on first? Batman.

Final score: Sorry, I was using my power drill to trim my moustache, and lost count.

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