How Do You Know Hockey Season Has Started?October 18, 2009
The answer is simple: Leafs fans are drinking more. It’s out of despair. And the rest of us understand.
The Toronto Maple Leafs are stinking up the ice. Again. Yet again. I understand devotion to your team, but Leafs fans must be ready to start watching lacrosse or something by this point. What a waste of ice time. I worry sometimes that people from other lands, people who aren’t familiar with the great game of hockey, might see the Leafs play and think that’s what hockey is like. It isn’t, folks.
I shouldn’t talk — I am a loyal Vancouver Canucks fan. Why? Because I come from B.C. That’s really the only reason. Hell, those golden disco uniforms almost made me defect, but I stuck around. I also follow the St. Louis Blues and the Philadelphia Flyers for some stupid reason. So I understand losing causes. Every year, I watch and hope and wait, shrug when my teams are done, and go to the beach.
Leafs fans are different. They will defend to the death the awesome stick wizardry of their puck passers. They will insist that their goaltender is just “having a bad run.” They will blame the GM, because that’s how it works in Toronto. They will talk about weird curses or ghosts from Maple Leaf Gardens or something. Mostly, they will just fail to notice that their team can’t play hockey. When I hear that kind of talk, I start to wonder why Leafs fans hold their team out as some kind of hockey super-institution.
Here, read these jokes I found online and you’ll see where I’m coming from:
What do the Leafs and the Titanic have in common?
A: They both look good until they hit the ice.
Why are the Leafs like Canada Post?
A: They both wear uniforms and don’t deliver.
Why doesn’t Hamilton have an NHL team?
A: Because then Toronto would want one.*
What do the Leafs, Argonauts and the Blue Jays all have in common besides being based in Toronto?
A. None of them can play hockey.
What do you call 30 millionaires around a TV sitting in a pub watching the Stanley Cup playoffs on TV?
A. The Toronto Maple Leafs.
What do the Leafs and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 20,000 people stand up and yell ‘Jesus Christ!”
What do you call a Leafs player with a Stanley Cup ring?
A. A thief.
What do the Montreal Canadiens have that the Leafs don’t?
A. Colour pictures of a Stanley Cup win.
I am no fan of the Canadiens, either, come to think of it.
Maybe I’ll start watching lacrosse.
*This one might not make sense for foreigners. Read more about it here.