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Exclusive: Vegetarian Spider’s First Interview

October 13, 2009

While his distant cousins are fuelling their eight-legged selves on flies, moths and bugs caught in their webs, a newly discovered Central American spider prefers a different diet. He’s a vegetarian, the first known vegetarian arachnid.

Considering there are roughly 42,000 types of spiders in the world, this is a major discovery. And Weather Station 1 is the first news source to track the spider down and land an interview.

  • WS1: I understand you have been given a proper name by scientists.
  • Spider: Yes. I am to be known as Bagheera Kiplingi.
  • WS1: That sounds familiar …
  • Spider: Of course it does. One of the scientists was watching Disney’s The Jungle Book Exclusive Collector’s Edition DVD. It won’t be in stores long.
  • WS1: I’m not sure I understand why you’re named after a movie.
  • Spider: It could have been worse. Right before that, he was watching American Pie: The Naked Mile.
  • WS1: What was your name before that?
  • Spider: Josh.
  • WS1: Okay, Josh. A lot of fuss is being made over the fact that you’re a vegetarian. Was that a conscious choice?
  • Spider: Totally. I used to web up mosquitoes all the time. Loved it. I’d get off work on a Friday and spend the weekend chugging back nectar with the guys and eating ladybugs. Sometimes I miss that. But I got to a point where I started questioning the whole process. So this one night, I’m about to eat a fly, and it was putting up a real fuss, so I looked it in the eye and the eye and the eye and the eye and the eye and the eye and the eye and the …
  • WS1: You were having an epiphany.
  • Spider: No, it was a regular fly. Anyway, I decided to eat a blade of grass, and the rest is history.
  • WS1: How did your life change as a result?
  • Spider: Well, the guys had a problem with it, and eventually kicked me off the soccer team. They couldn’t deal with my new look, I guess. Long hair and hemp sandals aren’t too popular with jocks. But that’s okay. I made some new friends, and now we play together in a folk band. We hit a lot of the coffee houses, and people are digging us, man. We’re called World Wide Webless. I play guitar, bass, banjo and piano.
  • WS1: All at once?
  • Spider: Dude. I’m a fucking spider.

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