The Wonderful World of MarvelAugust 31, 2009
Now that Disney has bought Marvel Entertainment, what can we expect to see? I gave it some thought.
- New members of the X-Men, including Goofy, who is clearly a mutant. Think about it: Pluto’s a dog. So is Goofy. Pluto barks, chases his tail and chews bones. Goofy talks, wears clothes and drives a car. He’s a mutant. Also, the Seven Dwarves will form the latest X-team, based in Bavaria or wherever.
- The Punisher vs. Scrooge McDuck. Frank Castle likes taking down greedy power mongers. This time it’s personal. Guest starring Huey, Dewey and Louie.
- Ultimate Spider-Man starts dating Hannah Montana. Billy Ray Cyrus issues a terse “no comment.”
- A new comic: Buzz Lightyear and the Guardians of the Galaxy. “To infinity and beyond! Again!”
- The All-New, All-Different Fantastic Four: Mickey Mouse, Simba, Peter Pan and Miss Bianca from the Rescuers.
- Last-minute recasting for the Avengers movie sees Tim Allen as Thor, with Tom Hanks as Captain America and Cliff from Cheers as the Hulk.
- Did you know Disney owns the Mighty Moron Power Rangers? Get ready for the movie, with comic tie-in, followed by eleventy-seven spinoff series in the X-Men vein, like Power Ranger Force, starring Cable.
- Tony Stark no longer permitted to be an alcoholic playboy due to Disney’s clean image. Plot of Iron Man 2 now involves Tony stuck in mansion while two bumbling thieves try to break in.
- New character added to final season of Lost: Mowgli.
- Peter’s love interest in Spider-Man 4: Hannah Montana. Tobey Maguire issues a terse “no comment.” Readers point out that Marvel doesn’t actually own the movie rights to Spider-Man. I issue a terse “no comment.”
Also, The Hulk’s new sidekicks will be Chip and Dale, and we’ll be introduced to a gritty new concept, Frank Miller’s Winnie the Pooh: Year One.
The only loser in all of this is Stan Lee. His cameos in Marvel films have been cancelled; he’ll be replaced by the cryogenically frozen body of Walt Disney. Look for Waltcicle in next year’s Daredevil II, starring one of the Jonas brothers. No, not that one, the other one.