The Wonderful World of Marvel

August 31, 2009

Now that Disney has bought Marvel Entertainment, what can we expect to see? I gave it some thought.

In comics:

  • New members of the X-Men, including Goofy, who is clearly a mutant. Think about it: Pluto’s a dog. So is Goofy. Pluto barks, chases his tail and chews bones. Goofy talks, wears clothes and drives a car. He’s a mutant. Also, the Seven Dwarves will form the latest X-team, based in Bavaria or wherever.
  • The Punisher vs. Scrooge McDuck. Frank Castle likes taking down greedy power mongers. This time it’s personal. Guest starring Huey, Dewey and Louie.
  • Ultimate Spider-Man starts dating Hannah Montana. Billy Ray Cyrus issues a terse “no comment.”
  • A new comic: Buzz Lightyear and the Guardians of the Galaxy. “To infinity and beyond! Again!”
  • The All-New, All-Different Fantastic Four: Mickey Mouse, Simba, Peter Pan and Miss Bianca from the Rescuers.

In movies/TV:

  • Last-minute recasting for the Avengers movie sees Tim Allen as Thor, with Tom Hanks as Captain America and Cliff from Cheers as the Hulk.
  • Did you know Disney owns the Mighty Moron Power Rangers? Get ready for the movie, with comic tie-in, followed by eleventy-seven spinoff series in the X-Men vein, like Power Ranger Force, starring Cable.
  • Tony Stark no longer permitted to be an alcoholic playboy due to Disney’s clean image. Plot of Iron Man 2 now involves Tony stuck in mansion while two bumbling thieves try to break in.
  • New character added to final season of Lost: Mowgli.
  • Peter’s love interest in Spider-Man 4: Hannah Montana.  Tobey Maguire issues a terse “no comment.” Readers point out that Marvel doesn’t actually own the movie rights to Spider-Man. I issue a terse “no comment.”

Also, The Hulk’s new sidekicks will be Chip and Dale, and we’ll be introduced to a gritty new concept, Frank Miller’s Winnie the Pooh: Year One.

The only loser in all of this is Stan Lee. His cameos in Marvel films have been cancelled; he’ll be replaced by the cryogenically frozen body of Walt Disney. Look for Waltcicle in next year’s Daredevil II, starring one of the Jonas brothers. No, not that one, the other one.


One comment

  1. I dunno, the Waltcicle and the Bonus Jonas seems like an inapropriate age pairing.

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