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I’m Being Sued

July 6, 2009

Well, I guess I knew this time would come. A man can anonymously blog about public figures and other morons for so long before the hammer falls — and when it falls, it falls hard.

I was served with legal papers this afternoon. I’m being sued for libel over something I wrote here at the Weather Station. Here, read it yourself:

Leif R. Borr
Attorney At Law
No. 487490B-119

July 6, 2009

SUPERIOR COURT OF ONTARIO

Applicant
William G. Chestnuttree
Front Yard
Beside The Driveway

Respondent
We At Her Eye
The House
The End Of The Driveway

  1. Applicant is a resident of Respondent’s yard. Applicant is employed as a chestnut maker, a position he has held for 38 years. These chestnuts are used to create conkers for the game of the same name, played by dozens of people worldwide.
  2. Applicant has never visited Alaska and tends to remain close to home, with long-standing roots in the community.
  3. Applicant is male and, if American, would vote Green.
  4. Respondent is known to Applicant. Respondent mows grass surrounding Applicant, and occasionally uses gas-powered device to trim weeds surrounding Applicant’s trunk. Respondent’s children also swing from lower branches at times.
  5. Respondent spends many hours in the basement of the house, creating Internet documents mocking people he has never met.
  6. On July 6, 2009, Respondent posted an inflammatory document containing false allegations and deliberately incorrect information about Applicant. This information included, but may not be restricted to, a comparison of Applicant’s whorls to the face of American politician Sarah Palin. The document was posted at Weather Station 1.
  7. The document was read by no more than 5 and no less than 2 nerds.
  8. The above-mentioned document is not privileged as it was written with malice toward Applicant.
  9. The entire statement is false as it pertains to Applicant. The statement is libelous on its face. It clearly exposes Applicant to ridicule, hatred and contempt.
  10. As a proximate result of said document, Applicant has suffered material losses. Maple trees in the vicinity have refused to speak to Applicant. Applicant’s employer, the cedar hedge across the street, terminated his employment, stating Applicant’s publicized resemblance to Sarah Palin interferes with his ability to manufacture chestnuts. Investigators from the next block have been asking questions about Applicant’s ethics, and other anonymous bloggers, besides Respondent, have spread rumours about Applicant. Applicant has been forced to resign his position prematurely.

WHEREFORE, Applicant demands judgment against defendants, and each of them, for:

  • 1. Compensatory damages according to proof;
  • 2. Punitive damages;
  • 3. Interest as allowed by law;
  • 4. Costs of suit; and
  • 5. Such other and further relief as this court may deem
    just and proper.

Doesn’t that just figure? Sarah Palin sues the entire Internet, making bloggers famous as they start popping up on CNN and Larry King to explain how stupid she is. Me? I get sued by my stupid tree.

I was going to write a Today’s Moron about the squirrel who keeps trying to eat the plastic squeaky carrot my friend’s dog left behind, but I can’t take any more lawsuits.

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