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10 Signs Your New Girlfriend Might Be Trouble

June 25, 2009

This one is for you guys out there who are looking for Miss Right, the perfect woman, the girl who’ll make you happy. I want you to take my advice here. If it helps, you can print it out and carry it around with you. Some of these tips may sound really shallow, and I’m sorry for that, but I want to make this clear: these are my tips, my advice, based on my experiences. And while I have finally found true happiness, it took me a long time and a lot of mistakes to get there.

So here we go: 10 signs your new girlfriend might be trouble:

  1. She insists on coming with you whenever you’re shopping for a present. For her.
  2. A friend tells you he’s certain he saw her dancing in a strip club a few years before. Despite your confidence that he’s wrong, another friend says the same thing a few months later.
  3. She tells you “good” boyfriends leave their male friends behind when they’re in a relationship.
  4. She goes to visit her mother every Wednesday night for years, which you believe until her mother calls looking for her one Wednesday.
  5. She calls your boss to tell him how wonderful you are. Daily. Sometimes hourly.
  6. She borrows your bank card to buy a pack of cigarettes. The next day, your bank calls to tell you you’re $1000 in overdraft, and your house insurance payment bounced.
  7. She spends entire days lying on the sofa, eating sunflower seeds and watching reality shows, sending you out for massive coffees while popping powerful painkillers, blaming a “back problem” no doctor can successfully diagnose.
  8. You happen to be home one day and notice, in the mail, a credit card statement for a card you didn’t know you had. And it’s maxed out.
  9. She calls your boss to tell him how evil you are for finding out about the credit card. Daily. Sometimes hourly.
  10. You come home one day and all your clothes are gone, replaced with tight-fitting Backstreet Boys-type clothing and big gold chains. Years later, when you see Dick In A Box, you will remember that she wanted you to have that kind of beard, too.

I’ll stop now, but I could probably go to 100. Watch for these danger signs, men. If you see them, run the other way, and look for a nice girl. I hope you find one; I know I did. Eventually.

  1. She calls your boss to tell him how wonderful you are. Every day.
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