Archive for June 15th, 2009


Stretch Armstrong, The Movie

June 15, 2009

The well has run dry.

We’re hearing today that a Stretch Armstrong movie is in the works. Hollywood now believes a full-length feature film about a weird, disgusting toy with a short shelf life is a potential hit. Hey, I remember Stretch Armstrong. I wanted one, until my friend Scott got one for his birthday. Trust me, once you’ve yanked his arms a few time, the novelty wears off. (Confession: We peeked under his little black shorts and it turned out the most useful application of his power wasn’t included).

And it wasn’t a very good product; it started to stiffen up and crack after a few weeks, and then his mother heard from someone at the gas station that the pink putty inside Stretch’s body was toxic, so that was the end of Stretch. Scott was okay with Stretch being tossed in the trash. He’s a high school principal now, and I think those things might be related.

There are very few 70s and 80s toys left to turn into movies. And it’s clear producers (rumour has it Ron Howard is attached to the Stretch Armstrong movie, but I have my doubts, unless he’s planning to star) are desperate enough to start finding these obscure old toys to turn into films.

So I think this new movie should feature Stretch fighting one of his contemporaries: Hugo, Man of a Thousand Faces. Maybe Stretch can ride a Green Machine, and Hugo can roll in on a Big Wheel. Add the Mego Fonzie with his flip-up thumbs and Ron Howard will be right at home.


Life on Mars? No, It’s A Shadow

June 15, 2009

Is Bigfoot roaming Mars? Before you answer, ask yourself these questions:

  1. Will a tinfoil helmet block government scanners?
  2. Are crop circles made by alien graffiti artists?
  3. Was Paul McCartney replaced by a lookalike?

If you answered “yes” to any of those questions, then sure, Bigfoot is on Mars. Otherwise, no, it’s just a shadow.