That’s the poster for Spider-Man 4, which is still two years away. In other words, it doesn’t give away any details because there aren’t any details. The script is probably just some quick notes on a napkin sitting on Sam Raimi’s coffee table. Wait, this is the 21st century … the script is a series of text messages between Raimi brothers’ iPhones or something.
Sam Raimi is riding high right now on the strength of his return to horror. Drag Me To Hell did just fine at the box office, and by all accounts is a solid little spooker. And it’s about time. Raimi made his name on odd horror (the Evil Dead films, Darkman) before doing some weird baseball thing. Then he webbed up and Spider-Man has been his gig for the last decade.
He did a fine job with the first Spider-Man movie. He did a fine job with the second. He spun around the pole one too many times with the third one. And while he has proven masterful at casting villains, he missed the mark with his leads. I never bought Tobey and Kirsten as a couple … she always seemed 10 years older than him, and neither has any real acting presence. I had the opportunity to see Spider-Man 3 again recently, and the scene where Peter comforts Mary Jane after her Broadway reviews come in continues to be unintentionally hilarious.
So, like I said, we don’t know what Spider-Man 4 will be like. Allow me to predict:
- Given the studio’s driving need to add as many characters as possible, this movie will feature four villains: Rhino, Vulture, Lizard and Electro. They’re pretty much all that’s left. If you aren’t a comics fan, please try to figure out their powers and gimmicks. It ain’t hard. And I’ll bet you one of the villains will be played by The Rock, and another by Vin Diesel, and you will be very confused.
- Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst may be back as the leads. If not, I forecast that kid from Third Rock from the Sun in the lead. Wait, he’s playing Cobra Commander in the G.I. Joe movie … what?
- Ted Raimi will be yelled at.
- Bruce Campbell will yell at someone.
- Stan Lee will appear in his biggest role yet, playing the Vulture. This is a comics in-joke.
- Marvel Studios will continue efforts to recapture the rights to Spider-Man (and X-Men, for that matter). Did you know about this? Marvel sold the movie rights to its top characters, but with Iron Man (still owned by Marvel, and made by Marvel Studios) riding high, Marvel is box-office gold. Unfortunately, someone else controls all the hitmakers, so Marvel digs into its own catalog. This is why you keep seeing Punisher movies, or Daredevil reboot rumours, or Thor. Thor is lame.
- This movie will premiere to negative reviews and vanish quickly, after which Tobey will star in a straight-to-DVD remake of Double Dragon with Brandon Routh or something.
My track record is pretty good on these things. I was pretty close to 9 for 10 on my Star Trek predictions, so you should pay attention.
In other bad news, there’s another Shrek movie on the way. And you were wondering what Mike Myers was up to …