I Am Going To Become A Superhero

May 16, 2009

The title says it all, readers: I am about to don a costume and become a full-time professional crime-fighter.

This was an easy decision to make. I’ve wanted to be a superhero for as long as I can remember — I was the kid in the first grade with a towel pinned around his neck, under his clothes, just in case — but never followed through, for three big reasons:

  1. There is no such thing as a superhero
  2. I don’t have superpowers
  3. I look terrible in tights

Not much I can do about 2 and 3, but number 1 has been proven wrong. Don’t believe me? Check out the World Superhero Registry. You’ll see everyday men and women wearing masks, smashing evil. It inspired me, and I said to myself “Hey, I can do that.” So I decided today that Weathereye is going to become known as Canada’s toughest, scariest urban vigilante.

So my first step was to solve problem number 2: superpowers. I do, in fact, have a few powery things going on. For one thing, I have extremely sensitive hearing; my hearing range, in fact, extends into the hypersonic. This has been proven audiologically. What does this mean? If a bank robbery gang uses dog whistles to signal one another, I’ll be able to intercept and apprehend. Also, I have a mental storehouse of all kinds of facts that come in handy at exactly the right moment, like the Professor on Gilligan’s Island.

There’s also the matter of my bionic right leg. With all its screws, pins and artificial joint thingies, I am part man, part machine. I am currently looking into having it upgraded with a giant spring so I can leap over tables and stuff. Maybe I’ll get a roller-skate wheel installed, like a Heely shoe, so I can catch bad guys who are escaping downhill.

I don’t necessarily have to have superpowers, though. Many heroes rely on skill and technology to carry out their wars on crime. Gadgets? I have a cellphone and a pocket knife, so I’m good there. And I can apply my extensive martial arts knowledge to the job, as I have seen many, many Jackie Chan movies and also the Matrix.

Problem number 3 isn’t going to change, so I’m going to forego the tights. Instead, I will create a suit of crime-fighting armour out of old hockey gear and that broken refrigerator behind the garage. And I’m going to paint the minivan black and put a computer in it, like Batman or the Hardy Boys. Watch out, evil! Here I come.

Don’t tell my mother.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: