Wolverine Movie Spoilers

April 28, 2009

This is old news now. A couple of weeks ago, a leaked, not-quite-finished copy of the new movie X-Men Origins: Wolverine was leaked onto the Internet. Within hours, thousands of people had downloaded the movie. After careful study and research, I have determined that as of this writing, eleventy-seven million people have seen the film.

So it’s fair to talk about spoilers, I guess. I’m going to reveal 10 things that will surprise you in this movie.

  1. His real name isn’t “Logan.” It’s Herman Spackle.
  2. Those metal claws aren’t the only thing he can pop out of his body on demand.
  3. Stan Lee provides his obligatory Marvel movie cameo, this time as Wolverine’s father, Coyote. Coyote (ugh) Lee.
  4. In a tribute to the failed 80s cartoon pilot Pryde of the X-Men, Hugh Jackman is using his regular voice and playing Wolverine as an Australian.
  5. Wolverine is shown to have been a founding member of Greenpeace.
  6. James Marsden has a cameo in which he says nothing, does nothing and you don’t notice him.
  7. Wolverine is revealed to be a small dog that was bitten by a radioactive human, giving him human-like powers and appearance.
  8. His enemies discover his weakness at the end of the film, and incapacitate him by scratching behind his ears before giving him a tummy rub.
  9. Ryan Reynolds (a Canadian) doesn’t play Deadpool, as rumoured, but instead plays the smarmy bouncer who won’t let Wolverine in to see Mary Jane’s play.
  10. Jackman goes for an Oscar with a weepy scene, accompanied by solemn string music, in which Wolverine reveals his mother never cuddled him.

One comment

  1. “Those metal claws aren’t the only thing he can pop out of his body on demand.”

    He’s a Pez dispenser?

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