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Canada 2050

April 15, 2009
Send two more destroyers to the Bering Strait, scramble fighters over Baffin Island, and get me a cocoa!

"Send two more destroyers to the Bering Strait, scramble fighters over Baffin Island, and get me a cocoa!"

You may have seen this article in Time magazine about a new book, A Brief History Of The Future: What the World Will Look Like In 2050, by Jacques Attali. I quite enjoyed it, and will likely read the book. Futurism is a particular interest of mine, especially futurist musings from the past, which always make me either (a) marvel at how close that guy got it in 1950 or (b) wonder where my flying car’s at.

Reading about Attali’s book, though, got me wondering about what Canada will be like in 2050. I could still be alive by then, after all; I’d be 82 years old. My children could be grandparents by then. So I gave it some careful thought and came up with my predictions for Canada 2050:

  • Tim Hortons controls everything. It would be like in Demolition Man: “After Tim Hortons won the franchise wars, everything is now Tim Hortons.” Except for Canadian Tire, which by 2050 is a small chain of grocery stores.
  • There is a massive statue of William Shatner in Ottawa, commemorating how he came home to Canada in 2014, became Prime Minister and led the nation to victory in the Arctic War against Russia and the US. Shatner’s decisive strategies — freely adapted from Star Trek novels — helped Canada lay claim to the entire north pole. While the Americans claimed Shatner cheated, there was no evidence of this.
  • The NHL has retracted back into Canada, abandoning US markets because everyone down there is now hooked on soccer. This would leave the NHL with 18 teams: the six that are there now (Toronto, Montreal, Vancouver, Calgary, Edmonton and Ottawa) and 12 more, all in Ontario and all owned by Jim Balsillie of Research in Motion.
  • Jim Balsillie will be a half-human/half-BlackBerry cyborg. He is retired from day-to-day operations at RIM and now plays centre for Hamilton, and also is the Internet.
  • The government finally shifted to a proportional representation system in Ottawa in 2029, meaning there are 36 different parties represented. The Prime Minister’s job is shared by a rotating panel of MPs. Xavier Trudeau is PM on Wednesdays.
  • Quebec will have left, but come slinking back after realizing that nobody there had any idea what do next, and the Americans didn’t want them. In 2050, Quebec has territorial status.
  • Alberta, riding a new resources boom, has absorbed Idaho for no reason whatsoever, just because they can.
  • I am retired after a long and fulfilling second career as a bolter in the flying-car factory, but I work part-time at a Tim Hortons Teleportation Station because of debts incurred buying Star Trek toys in 2009.

When 2050 rolls around, you can email me by holographic projection to let me know how right I was. Or will be.

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3 comments

  1. Hello younger version of me,

    I write this on an old system I salvaged from the junkyard. Luckily I could find an old emulator for web3.0 which was backwards-compatible with web 2.0.

    82 I may be but our fellow Canadian scientist have made such great progress in genetic engineering that it is possible to considerably slow down the decay process of the mind. I felt no need to alter my outward appearance as I’m still in a comparatively pristine state ( Must be the years of activity in the resplendent Canadian wildlife)

    Most of your predictions have not come to fruition but for the William Shatner one. Shatner rebooted the Star Trek series ten years after the total tanking of JJ. Abrams’ mind-numbing contribution to the Star Trek universe. Shatner through toil and hardship managed to regain the confidence of the Star Trek fanbase with a massively successful follow up on TNG. The cleverness of the series landed him a position in Canadian politics and it was the year of 2026 when he was inaugurated Prime minister.

    I can’t divulge much more or I’ll be imprisoned. Even contacting you like this is considered a heinous crime and threat to our time-continuum. Kids and wife are well! Don’t forget to remove the Pastrami Sandwich from the oven on April 31st 1834 hours. Oh yes, Starbase66a will prosper even more.

    Kind regards from the future

    Weathereye


  2. I should’ve done a spellcheck. Let’s just assume writing isn’t done very often in the future.


  3. This is priceless. Hey, future me, can you tell me who wins the next 10 Stanley Cups?



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