Archive for March 27th, 2009


Lingerie Football League: Shirts vs. Skins

March 27, 2009

Okay, I make some of this stuff up. I don’t pretend not to. You can usually tell when I’m putting you on, because I will either tell you directly, or because what I’m telling you is so outlandish it can’t be true. Like the time I said I was Batman.

I’m admitting to this now because I’ve just discovered there is something in America called the Lingerie Football League. This is just what you think it might be: attractive women in their lacy best, plus shoulder pads and helmets, playing full-contact football (American football, not soccer.) The teams are in Los Angeles, Dallas, Chicago, places like that, and they all have really slutty names like The Desire or The Seduction.

Clearly, this is aimed at men. And it’s being promoted hard in the U.S.

But it might be a hard sell here in Canada. We’re not a football country. We do have a league, sort of; the CFL has seven teams, some of which have members who don’t have to moonlight as doormen at nightclubs during the off-season. But the CFL has always struggled against the mightier NFL; there are more Bills fans in Toronto than Toronto Argonaut fans, and that’s sad. So I don’t think the LFL could be adapted to the Canadian model.

Also, Canadian football is played in the fall, outdoors, meaning women in lingerie would not do well.

But what about our national sports? We have two: hockey in winter, lacrosse in summer. A Lingerie Hockey League wouldn’t work, for the same reasons as football: it’s played on ice. Do you want to see blue-skinned ladies shivering as they skate around in thongs and elbow pads? You do? Man, you’re weird.

But lacrosse would work. Do you know much about lacrosse? Not everyone does. It’s a traditional First Nations game, heavily adapted to modern sports mentalities. It’s played indoors or on a field, and is a fast, rough game. But it’s played in summer. So if there’s any sport that can be adapted to women in underwear, that might be it.

To balance things out, though, I think it’s only fair that those CFL players, who tend to be guys who did semi-okay in college ball but couldn’t make the NFL, take over for the ladies and appear in the next Victoria’s Secret catalogue.

Meanwhile, I predict the LFL will not make it far, because (a) anything that is not the NFL tends to crash and burn in the U.S., (b) it’s stupid and (c) Bells and whistles aside, sports stand or fall on the strength of their gameplay, and I really can’t imagine that the women were chosen for their football skills.

If it’s not available on your local TV station, good on you. Go watch some lacrosse.


Is America About To Hack Your Computer?

March 27, 2009

This is scary … if it’s true. Word is the Obama administration is working on an international treaty that would allow governments to snoop through our computers and digital music players in search of pirated material, in the name of national security.

No official word yet, but it appears Big Brother wants to watch even more closely.

How exactly is this Green Day/Oasis mashup I have on my iPod a threat to US national security? I’ll agree it’s a threat to good taste in music, but that’s as far as I go.