10 Things Women Don’t Want To Hear Today

February 14, 2009

“I only cheated this much, because I never got her last name.”

It’s February 14th, Valentine’s Day, an international day of romance named for a Roman who was executed for allowing Christians to marry, maybe. Or perhaps another guy. It’s all very confusing. Nowadays, you can tell it’s Valentine’s Day because the dollar store has a whole aisle of pink and red crap, usually by early December.

Anyway, if you’re a man, let me offer some advice: here are 10 things you should not say today, under any circumstances …

  1. “That’s today?”
  2. “I consider Valentine’s Day to be a made-up corporate holiday, and reject the notion that I must spend to show my love for you.”
  3. “I forgot to call the sitter. Let’s just bring the kids out to dinner with us.”
  4. “Look, baby: His and hers Nascar tickets!”
  5. “Home-made presents show how much I really love you.”
  6. “There’s a Star Trek: Deep Space Nine marathon on channel 56 today!”
  7. “But I paid for dinner last year.”
  8. “My mother called. She needs me to drive up there and clean out the basement. I’ll be back tomorrow.”
  9. “My ex once gave me the best Valentine’s present ever.”
  10. “I found this red bra in the backseat of my car. Is it yours?”


  1. 3 out of the 10 would probably make me swoon.

  2. Note to world: Mandi is a MONSTER Nascar fan. Special Number 11 for Mandi: “I decided not to cut my mullet off after all.”

  3. I kinda tried to lead up to a conversation that involved #2, but it never quite got there. So we went to dinner.

  4. 12. Will McDonalds do for dinner? That new iron i bought you cost me a small fortune.

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