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Yet Another Sign That Armageddon Won’t Happen Any Time Soon

February 6, 2009

News out of California today: Rob Liefeld, “legendary” comic book artist and supposed writer, has launched a new comics series about the End Times. Called Armageddon Now, it’s being released by Image Comics in conjunction with 12 Gates Productions. The series is being written by Pastor Phil Hotsenpiller from the Yorba Linda Friends Church. Hotsenpiller is an expert on biblical prophecy and interpretations of the End Time concepts, and had reportedly structured the Armageddon Now series to work like a puzzle.

Bizarre muscles? Check. Badly drawn hands? Check. Feet hidden? Check. Figure out of proportion? Check.

Bizarre muscles? Check. Badly drawn hands? Check. Feet hidden? Check. Figure out of proportion? Check.

Of course, it’s full of action and intrigue, and a main character called Lt. Col. John Corbin, who is plunged headlong into something or other and has to … I don’t know, I didn’t get that far. When I was a toddler, I referred to private parts as “corbins,” so that name always makes me snicker. I could never get through the opening credits of L.A. Law with a straight face.

You may not be a fan of comic books, and I understand that. I am a fan, even though I rarely buy them anymore. But I do follow the industry and I’m up to speed on trends in graphic serial stories and other things people call comics to sound less stupid. So, after careful analysis, I have come to this conclusion: Phil Hotsenpiller knows the End Times nonsense is exactly that: nonsense.

Why else would he hire Rob Liefeld to draw the thing? Don’t know Liefeld? Let’s review:

  • The fresh-faced wunderkind got his start with some obscure DC work in the late 80s, when he was still a teenager. By 1990 or so, he had moved over to Marvel, illustrating the dying New Mutants series. He had a lot of trouble with hands and feet, but we forgave him; he was young.
  • He was part of the team that transformed the New Mutants into X-Force, sparking an artistic X-trend toward over-the-top hashlines, bizarre musculature, giant shoulder pads and poses that were impossible even for mutants.
  • And then he quit, heading off with six others to form Image Comics, where he created Youngblood and Brigade and a bunch of other really, really bad comics starring a bunch of characters who looked just like Wolverine.
  • And then he quit Image, or was fired, or whatever, and spent the next few years launching project after project and studio after studio, most of which consisted of little more than a teaser ad in Previews, with more Wolverine clones.
  • Back he went to Marvel, for the bizarre screwup that was Heroes Reborn, but that didn’t last long, either, which may have had something to do with the ridiculous version of Captain America he crafted. Plus he still couldn’t draw hands or feet.
  • He got into hot water with Marvel for landing the rights to an old character named Fighting American, then remaking him into a direct Captain America ripoff. Wasn’t there something he had called called Agent America around this same time? There was a lot of legal wrangling for a while, until Liefeld cleared everything up and went on to not actually make a Fighting American comic.
  • Then he came back to his greatest product, the mutant known as Cable, because Marvel apparently forgot what it was like to have Rob around. That didn’t last. Still no luck with the hands and feet.

Analyzing all this has led me to conclude that the End Times won’t, and can’t happen, because Rob Liefeld will never get around to actually drawing it. The closest we’ll get to death by fire or whatever’s supposed to happen will be a strangely posed ad near the back of the August 2010 issue of Wizard, saying “Coming Soon, By Rob Liefeld …” And that’ll be that.

Actually, he’ll likely be long gone by then, having missed numerous deadlines and gotten in trouble for allegedly lifting a Jesus Christ pose from a Bible he found in a used bookstore. No, by the time this series winds down, Rob’ll be drawing an ad for Wolfclaw or Colonel Americana or Lady Kid Superperson or whatever ripoff he comes up with next, coming soon from Totally Awesome Exploding Comics or whatever. And I suspect Phil Hotsenpiller knows this, which is why he hired Liefeld. To deliberately stave off Armageddon.

See? Write a few hundred words about the End Times and you start seeing conspiracies everywhere.

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One comment

  1. I am seriously ROFLing my ass off. Sounds like this guy really gets under your skin.



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