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Exclusive Fake Interview With Scarlett Johansson

December 24, 2008

By Don B. Leefmi
Weather Station 1 Staff Writer

HOLLYWOOD — Scarlett Johansson looks different without her makeup. But as she pours a cup of black coffee in my motel room kitchenette, she is still, clearly, a superstar. Wearing one of my hockey jerseys, her hair tousled, she smiles as she takes a seat beside me on the bed.

It’s not what you think.

This is a last-minute thing. I was supposed to interview the script assistant on the latest straight-to-DVD sequel to Anaconda, but a scheduling snafu and some problems with similar names brought Scarlett to my door, soaking wet from a sudden rainstorm. Always a gentleman, I offered her a change of clothing and a cup of joe, and she agreed to talk to me.

W: Thanks for agreeing to talk to me this morning.

S: How could I not? Like, hello! You gave me your only towel.

W: It’s not every day a humble Canadian blogger gets to interview a majorly famous movie star.

S: I like Canadians. Canadians are cool, with their beards and axes and Tim Hortons coffee. I like the ones from the left-hand side of the country most of all. They have all those mountains and they’re like still hippies.

W: So. Your new movie, Vicky Samantha Barcelona, just came out. It’s a Woody Allen or something.

S: Vicky CRISTINA Barcelona. And, yeah. Woody’s the best. He’s the coolest, you know? He calls me his muse, because of my amazing acting. That’s why he always has me in his movies, and also why I live in his closet. Wait, don’t print that part.

W: But you don’t limit yourself to Woody movies.

S: No, not at all. I have He’s Just Not That Into You coming out, with my homegirl Jennifer Aniston. I’m also in The Spirit.

W: Ah, yes, the classic comic character.

S: It was a comic?

W: Didn’t you know?

S: Well, no, because when you make that kind of movie, you’re by yourself in a little room, speaking fragments of bad dialogue. Some nerds come along later and computerize it all to make it into a movie.

W: So you haven’t actually seen it?

S: God, no. I wouldn’t go to a COMIC BOOK movie.

W: I wanted to congratulate you on your recent marriage to Ryan Reynolds. Hey, he’s in a new comic book movie soon, too. Wolverine. He plays Deadpool.

S: (pauses for a moment). I thought he was playing Dirty Harry in a remake of The Dead Pool.

W: Uh, no. Ryan’s cool. He’s Canadian, just like me.

S: Sorry, sir, not just like you at all. He’s like, good-looking and stuff, and you look like David Schwimmer’s special-needs brother. No offense. Why would he tell me he was the new Dirty Harry? It got me all hot, too.

W: Uh, okay. So, what’s next for you?

S: Well, I’m playing a warrior woman in Amazon next year. I’ll get to shoot a bow and arrow and stuff like that.

W: Will you be at the Obama inauguration? I know you’re a big supporter.

S: Unfortunately, I have to be at Woody’s that day. He wants me to make sure all his shoelaces are the same length, and that takes a lot of time, let me tell you. But I will send Barack all my love and support. And I have been asked to sing Happy Birthday to him on his birthday. Someone said it would be “ironic” but I don’t really see why. Many people don’t understand the word “ironic.”

W: I know I don’t. So, you’re keeping busy, you’re a newlywed, you’re a global traveller … anything else interesting?

S: Oh, I’m suing the ass off UK Cosmo, because they totally just made up an interview with me. It’s so lame.

W: Those assholes.

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