Ten Things That Weren’t On Tom Cruise’s BlackBerry

December 13, 2008

As you may have heard, Tom Cruise lost his BlackBerry while in Toronto this week to promote his new movie, Valkyrie. Now his people are saying the device was lost for just a few moments, but with Hollywood fartcatchery, one never truly knows. Whatever the case, it’s back in his pocket, and that’s that.

So all the gossiplexers out there lost out on their chance to put the contents of Tom’s BlackBerry online, whatever those contents may be. I would say it’s safe to assume it has contact numbers for a lot of powerful people, maybe some pictures of that super-cute Suri Cruise, and who knows what else. Really, people, it’s Tom Cruise we’re talking about here. You weren’t going to see photos of wild parties and scandalous behaviour. Maybe it had Posh Spice’s email address; that’s about as steamy as it gets, I’d bet you.

Let me be clear: Here are 10 things I say were definitely not on Tom Cruise’s BlackBerry, and therefore could not be leaked to the internet.

  • A paparazzi photo of Nicole Kidman and baby Sunday Rose, downloaded from enquirer.com and with Keith Urban badly cropped out.
  • An email from J.J. Abrams, politely thanking Tom for offering to star in Star Trek, but letting him know it wouldn’t be a good fit.
  • A text message from his cousin William Mapother, begging for a loan, as his role on Lost has dried up.
  • All advance  reviews of Valkyrie, emailed by the media’s evil overlords, waiting for Tom’s approval.
  • Andy Dick’s home phone number.
  • Hundred-point outline of world domination platform, including No. 45, “Convert Oprah.”
  • An email from J.J. Abrams, telling Cruise for the last time he couldn’t be in the new Star Trek movie.
  • A photoshopped picture of Captain Kirk with Tom’s head, sent by a fan in 1999 and carried around ever since.
  • A rough draft of a script called Star Trek: Top Gun, by T.C. Mapother, starring Tom Cruise as L. Ron Maverick, ace fighter captain.
  • A cease and desist letter from J.J. Abrams’ lawyer.

Like I said, Tom’s BlackBerry had none of these things stored in its memory.

Meanwhile, Valkyrie is, reportedly, real poopy. I can’t swear to that, as this is just rumour.


One comment

  1. Hey! Get that ‘u’ out of rumor. You’re Canadian, not British!!!!


    Love the J.J. Abrams stuff there. lol

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