Meet the New Boss, Same as the Old Boss

October 15, 2008

Stephen Harper, who used to be our prime minister, is now, after a hard-fought election that we really didn’t need, still our prime minister. So, five weeks and one $290-million federal election campaign later, we’re pretty much right where we started: A Conservative minority. There were, however, some changes:

Garth Turner lost his riding to a Tory. The party-hopping blogging MP and former TV show host and full-time loudmouth always provided excellent insight on Parliament Hill, and he will be missed. Well, by me, at least. He was always good for a soundbite.

Green Party leader Elizabeth May didn’t even come close to getting actually elected. Rather than running in a riding she could win — an urban zone in Ottawa or Toronto, for instance — she decided to take on the most popular Conservative MP, studly Tory heir Peter MacKay, in the riding he’s held for a decade, and his father had for a long time before that. Even after the Liberals agreed to not run a candidate against them, she still lost. This was a shame, as May really came into her own on this campaign, joining the other leaders for two TV debates and riding cross-country on a train to toot the green horn.

Maxime Bernier bounced back from his year of scandal to win re-election. This is the guy who left secret documents at his ex-girlfriend’s place, and she used to be married to a biker who was murdered or something … all very scandalous. She wrote a tell-all book that came out just before the election, but it didn’t affect his chances. Maybe it’s because his name is “Maxime” and he looks like Bruce Boxleitner.

Non-MP cabinet minister Michel Fortier couldn’t actually get elected. This is a hard one to explain; basically, the prime minister picked a random guy, made him a senator and put him in the cabinet as Minister of Something, all the while promising that Fortier would run in the next election to make his presence in cabinet legitimate. So he ran, and lost. Now what?

We were supposed to have pizza in the newsroom, but we ended up with these soggy stupid sandwiches, the triangular ones on white bread with suspicious meat and paste inside.

Marc Garneau, the first Canadian in space, was elected and is now about to explore strange new worlds, seek out new lies and new uncivilizations, to boldly go … oh, I give up.

Supernerd Stephane Dion, leader of the loser Liberals, will likely now have to step down, sparking yet another race for the leadership. Leadership races are like U.S. primaries, only stupider and slower, but it’s clear Dion has to go. Here’s a photo of him with one of his former MPs, Belinda Stronach, who as you can see (above) is not very attractive. She’s the CEO of a family-owned auto parts business and has billions of dollars, and is very smart, which is why she is no longer in Canadian politics.

So what we’re left with, in the end, is nothing new. Which, in Canada, is, uh, nothing new.

This election didn’t have to happen. It was a misguided attempt by a minority PM to shore up his foundation, but nobody saw the fiscal meltdown coming, and in the end, Canadians turned out to like things the way they are. So, Mr. Harper, you spent close to $300 million for nothing. That was stupid.

I wonder what Obama’s up to?


One comment

  1. Stupider and slower than US primaries?! IMPOSSIBLE!

    Your elections sound a lot like the Indian elections. It’s always same old same old for about fifteen to twenty years in India, and then something crazy happens. Then the crazy becomes same old same old, etc.

    At least you guys have a rock solid banking system, or so the independent whatdoyoucallit says.

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