The Pen Is Mightier

I opened my mail the other day to find something spectacular: a Scott Redman pen. Hand-made in sunny Florida, hewn from exotic wood and fitted with the finest hardware, Redman pens are works of art. They’re smooth, a perfectly balanced writing tool … I can’t stop using mine. Everything feels right when I use this pen.

It made the rounds of the newsroom this week, and got a lot of attention from people who rely on pens for their livelihood. “Where did you get this?” I was asked more than once.

That’s an easy one. I got it from Scott, and it’s one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever received. He sent it to me — as he did to my fellow Starbase 66 hosts, and other Simply Syndicated presenters — as a big thanks. And there’s more, as I told my colleagues: you can own one of these pens, too.

And you should. I want everyone to have one of these pens. Scott deserves it, but so do you; the words just flow with one of these in your hand. Luckily, buying a Redman pen is a lot easier today.

Redman pens have been added to the Simply Syndicated store at Musical Mouse Mat. One of these will cost you less than you’d pay for a Cross or a Waterman, and you can use it knowing it was hand-made just for you. Take a peek.

Oh, I should mention that I’m not just a Redman pen fan. I’m also a former professional fine pen salesman and distributor, specializing in Mont Blanc writing implements. While that’s a short-lived corner of my life story, I learned to love a good pen then, and I still do now.

Words That Don’t Exist, But Should

Here are some words I like that don’t actually occur in the English language. As a language professional, I really shouldn’t use them. But I do, I have recently, and I will continue to do so.

• Ridinkulous: My new favourite. “The special effects in the new Indiana Jones movie are ridinkulous.”
• Craptastic: Veering toward overuse, but still apt in many cases. “The special effects in the new Indiana Jones movie are craptastic.”
• Suckness: The poor quality of something. “The special effects in the new Indiana Jones movie are full of suckness.”
• Quantum of Suckness: The amount of said poor quality: “The special effects in the new Indiana Jones movie reach an epic quantum of suckness.”
• What The Fuckness: The presence of a certain quality that makes you stop and say “Uh, what the fuck?” “I came out of the new Indiana Jones movie with a new sense of What The Fuckness.” (Note: Despite its interrogative nature, this does not take a question mark unless it is being asked: “Did you notice any What The Fuckness?”)

Writing Good, Part 5

I have a few thoughts on punctuation.

Punctuation’s a tricky thing, and can actually affect things in a big way. You may have heard the story of the million-dollar comma, and there are many, many more like that.

I deal with punctuation as part of my work as a newspaper editor. I work in a room full of language professionals, people with diplomas and degrees (and in one case, a Master’s) who can’t figure out the difference between a hyphen and a dash, a comma and a semi-colon.

This is not to say that I’m any kind of expert. Just browse through any of the Weather Stations and you’ll find me making all kinds of errors. I’m particularly prone, for instance, to forgetting the period at the end of a sentence

But here are some easy quick fixes for you. Let’s start with the apostrophe. This really messes people up. You probably think you don’t have to add an extra s to the end of a noun if it ends in s. Let’s go with the city of Memphis, home of The King: You may think it’s proper to write “Memphis’ music scene is thriving,” but you would be wrong. It’s actually “Memphis’s music scene is thriving.”

Why? Because you pronounce the apostrophized s. Say it out loud. You’re saying “Memphis-es,” right? So it takes an extra s.

But if you aren’t pronouncing the extra s, you don’t add it: “New Orleans’ music scene is still thriving.” See how that works? It can be tricky. But I subscribe to the idea of speaking what you write aloud (unless you’re, like, on a bus or something) to see how it flows. This is crucial.

I’ll toss one more at you tonight. It has to do with semi-colons. You may have noticed that I’m a big semi-colon user; this is because I like longer sentences but prefer a mid-sentence break that goes beyond the comma. See how that worked right there? Again, this comes from speaking sentences aloud.

When I was a reporter, I was often told my copy flowed better than other reporters. My only actual problem was issues of fact, but that’s another story. But I think people said that because I wrote like a conversation, and still do. I want my copy to read like I’m saying it to you aloud (unlike Weather Station 3, where I sound like a third-string CBC rookie with a pillowcase over his head).

I’ve always thought that’s the secret to smooth writing. The punctuation will come later.