Things You Actually Probably Did Know About Skinheads

So, those two skinheads the ATF says were plotting to kill Obama were likely just too stupid to ever pull it off. That’s from Mark Potok, director of the Southern Poverty Law Center, which spends a lot of time studying how these racist types think.

Did you know racist skinheads are, for the most part, stupid? I sort of had that idea. I’ve always suspected that the smart racists basically don’t advertise it with tattooes, shaved heads and chalked-on slogans.

More details of the alleged crime-spree plot of Paul Schlesselman and Daniel Cowart merged today, a day after their arrest. We already knew they wanted to kill a bunch of black people before embarking on their mighty holy whatever against Barack Obama, which would have involved wearing matching white tuxedos or something stupid like that.

“Certainly these men have some frightening weapons and some very frightening plans,” Potok told the AP. “But with the part about wearing top hats … it gets a bit hard to take them seriously.”

It is hard, even more so after you see their photos. Now it comes out exactly how the plot was foiled.

First of all, we now know that two alleged idiots met online about a month ago, probably at some website where they could discuss their shared love of Hitler, guns, tattooes and lipstick. Then they allegedly cooked up the plan, which led to a few aborted attempts at home invasions as they tried to score financing for their crusade.

When that didn’t work out, they did the next best thing: they shot out a church window. And then, of course, bragged about it. Police went looking for two alleged white supremacists with firearms and spotted Schlesselman and Cowart driving around in a beat-up southern cracker car adorned with swastikas and Nazi slogans written, uh, in chalk. In the South, you’re a proud Nazi as long as it doesn’t rain, I guess.

You know the rest. They were busted, the story came out, etc. I’ve already made the jokes about pretty young boys in prison, so I’ll leave that be.

I know there are some scary people out there who think the way these two morons do, and I know they’re nowhere near as stupid. And I know there are plots like this being cooked up every day.

I’m just glad someone is watching them.

Things You Probably Don’t Know About Skinheads

Two alleged halfwits were arrested today in the U.S. south for allegedly planning the alleged assassination of Barack Obama and also allegedly planning an alleged attack on an allegedly mainly black high school.

That’s one of them at the top of the page. I don’t usually identify people who have only been accused of a crime, but this time I’m going to, because whether or not they’re guilty, they’re white power skinheads and thus not deserving of any respect from me.

They’re Daniel Cowart, 20, of Bells, Tennessee, and Paul Schlesselman, 18, of Helena-West Helena, Arkansas. That’s Cowart up there with his swastika tattoo. The ATF says these two widgets planned to dress up in white tuxedos and drive a car right at Obama, shooting him while screaming slogans. Before that, though, they were going to this high school somewhere to kill 88 black people, including 14 by beheading. The numbers 88 and 14 apparently carry some relevance for white supremacists; 88 is their average IQ, 14 the average age of their mothers at their birth.

I’m not a big fan of racist skinheads, for obvious reasons. So here are 10 things you probably don’t know about these moronic thugs.

• Very, very few of them have chins, and the ones that do have too much.
• They blame their lack of education on Jews who control schools, not their own dumbassedness.
• They drink like fish, except for the ones who don’t, who are called straightedge. They’re the really scary ones, because they believe their shit without chemical influence.
• If they can’t find anyone to beat the crap out of, they kill each other.
• The one at the top of the page appears to be wearing makeup. This is a new one on me. Are skinheads into makeup now? It would explain why they’re always hanging around in these all-male packs, jumping on each other’s backs and rubbing each other’s bald stubbly heads.
• There are lots of different kinds of skinheads, including all-gay, all-black, anti-fascist, etc. I think. To be honest, I think that might be a myth. I’ve never actually seen one without a swastika in close proximity.
• They like to justify their racism by calling it ‘White Pride,’ saying all they are are good white people who want to boost their racial identity. Apparently this means threatening to kill blacks, Jews, homosexuals, etc. Hey, I’m proud to be the mutt I am, but you don’t see me demonstrating that by hating on, say, the French.
• They have their own music, which is to good music what their bare heads are to good hairstyles. Screaming, angry punk played too fast and recorded on home tape decks does not a musical subgenre make. It’s called crap.
• Neo-Nazi skinheadism is on the rise in the United States. Pleasant, eh? This has something to do with Mexican immigration, apparently. I think these guys resent that someone else is willing to come and do the shitty minimum-wage jobs the skins themselves would normally not be qualified enough to do.
• If you see a skinhead with a racist facial tattoo, you know he’s pretty much given up that dream of going to medical school. Like this guy, below. This is an interesting and informative chart from the Anti-Defamation League; all it missed was the stupidest tattoo of all: the Doc Marten boot tattooed on this loser’s nose.