Weather Station 1 Now Endorses D-Link™ Routers

Weather Station 1 is proud to tell you about a fine and helpful product. My D-Link™ router brings a nice 21st-century edge to our flowery pink main-floor washroom, which was probably last redecorated in the early 80s. Thanks, D-Link™! You’ve made a real difference in our lives.

If you’re more interested in using your D-Link™ router as the hub of a home wireless network, you’re in luck! Ask yourself these questions:

• … Do you just hate having reliable wireless networking in your home? Then D-Link™ is the router for you!
• … Do you like spending close to eight months talking to various technical support people who barely speak English and specialize in having you close everything, then reopen everything, then go back to the same setup page over and over again? Then D-Link™ is the router for you!
• … Are you looking for a router that allows only one of your wireless devices to access the network at a time? Then D-Link™ is the router for you!
• … Do you want to ensure that your kids will never, ever be able to get that Nintendo Wii online? Then D-Link™ is the router for you!
• … Does it make you smile when your router suddenly resets itself to June 2009, erases all the firmware updates you’ve given it, and wipes your home network off the map? Then D-Link™ is the router for you!
• … If you like having tech support people tell you they’re passing you along to a senior support agent, then hang up, well, D-Link™ is the router for you!
• … Are slow speeds and the constant need to unplug and reboot your router a real turn-on? Then D-Link™ is the router for you!
• … Do you want to hear a technical support representative tell you “Well, you’d probably just better buy a new computer?” Then D-Link™ is the router for you!

D-Link™ is now available at a retailer near you. Look for the discount underwear in the window.

10 Ways Google Got You Here

Several times a day, people land here at Weather Station 1 by typing “topless weather” into Google. I don’t know why that phrase points here, but I’ll take it. I suspect my site has a rare combination of topless and, of course, the name Weather Station 1.

WordPress offers some very solid stats and tracking information, so I am able to see, daily, how people arrived here. Aside from “topless weather,” here are some other leading search phrases.

• … buff carrot top
• … megan fox naked
• … shirley jones naked
• … megan fox looks stupid
• … worst rap video ever white guys
• … fur shorts
• … hayden bloom northeastern
• … muscle bound teens
• … pictures of wife naked
• … nacket wife pictures
• … weiners
• … i think i saw a man wearing a bra
• … how to dispose of a dead skunk
• … does walmart carry KY intense

The fact that these things were search subject says a lot about you, but the fact that they led here says even more about me.

Today’s Moron: Keith R. Griffin

Meow!

Keith R. Griffin, 48, of Jensen Beach, Florida — and why is it always Florida? — was charged this week with possessing child pornography. Police say they found more than 1,000 child porn images on his computer, and hit Griffen with 10 charges of being a filthy sleazy pervert. Well, they call it something else, but you know what I mean.

Griffen isn’t featured here because of that, though. He’s Today’s Moron because of his explanation. He claims he left his computer on, and his cat walked on the keyboard, causing the child pornography to be downloaded.

This story falls apart on several fronts.

1. The odds of a cat randomly typing out the complex URLs and passwords needed to access download sites are astronomical.
2. The odds of a cat randomly accessing child pornography, which is hidden online because of its evil nature, are even more impossible.
3. Cats prefer looking at pictures of birds, mice and old episodes of Sylvester and Tweety on YouTube. Everyone knows that.

The cat issued a terse “no comment.”

I like it when bad guys come up with these outlandish, stupid excuses. It means they stand no chance of walking the streets again. And with guys like this, that’s the best news I can give you.

In related coverage, a guy who was cheating on his wife with a whole bunch of other women was reportedly lured to a motel, then tied to a bed by his wife and three of his girlfriends, and had his cheater super-glued to his belly. You know, so when he has to pee, it goes … well, you get the picture. Anyway, it turns out he’s also, allegedly, a child abuser who stole someone’s ashes or something. So I guess he got what he deserved, times three. Or four.

It’s all too weird for me. I’ve never understood these serial cheaters; I’ve always had trouble handling one relationship at a time. Why would anyone want to add to that?

The superglue thing is pretty funny, though. Maybe, if those four women make bail and are allowed to travel, they could go see Keith.

Tesla Knew You Would Have An iPod

Nikola Tesla was one of the finest minds of the Victorian age, a pioneer in telecommunications and energy research. Sadly, when most people hear the name, they think of a bad mid-80s Bon Jovi knockoff band or a new kind of electric sports car, not the man who dreamed up broadcast power. Yes, broadcast power: the wireless transmission of electricity. Genius.

You may have noted that we do not have broadcast power. This is due to either (a) the Tesla-stifling efforts of a century-old conspiracy created by an international cartel of fossil-fuel barons, investment bankers and politicians, or (b) broadcast power doesn’t work.

Some visionaries succeed and see their ideas come to life. Edison. Marconi. Hearst. Ford. The inventor of the television (who that was, I couldn’t say). Hughes. Hefner. Gates. Jobs. Smith. Zuckerman. Others dream and dream and try and try, but the best they get is being played by David Bowie in The Prestige.

Nicola Tesla, though, did say this in 1893:

• “As soon as (the Wardenclyffe laboratory on Long Island is) completed, it will be possible for a business man in New York to dictate instructions, and have them instantly appear in type at his office in London or elsewhere. He will be able to call up, from his desk, and talk to any telephone subscriber on the globe, without any change whatever in the existing equipment. An inexpensive instrument, not bigger than a watch, will enable its bearer to hear anywhere, on sea or land, music or song, the speech of a political leader, the address of an eminent man of science, or the sermon of an eloquent clergyman, delivered in some other place, however distant. In the same manner any picture, character, drawing, or print can be transferred from one to another place …”

See that? In one paragraph, Tesla postulated global communications, including radio, television, faxing, the Internet, satellite phones, iPods … even podcasting. Sadly, Wardenclyffe did not lead to these things, and Tesla’s life spiralled into the ether, and it would be another century before his dream of hand-held worldwide telecommunications would come true.

His explanation, in 1919:

• “My project was retarded by laws of nature. The world was not prepared for it. It was too far ahead of time. But the same laws will prevail in the end and make it a triumphal success.”

You can read about Tesla with five letters’ worth of Google, or you can go to Wikipedia, which is usually a good place to start as long as you don’t have a bet riding on the facts. There’s also this interesting site.