Here You Will See Me Stealing Gary Larson’s Work

A Note from Gary Larson

Re: Online use of Far Side cartoons

To whom it may concern:
I’m walking a fine line here.
On the one hand, I confess to finding it quite flattering that some of my fans have created web sites displaying and / or distributing my work on the Internet. And, on the other, I’m struggling to find the words that convincingly but sensitively persuade these Far Side enthusiasts to “cease and desist” before they have to read these words from some lawyer.
What impact this unauthorized use has had (and is having) in tangible terms is, naturally, of great concern to my publishers and therefore to me — but it’s not the focus of this letter. My effort here is to try and speak to the intangible impact, the emotional cost to me, personally, of seeing my work collected, digitized, and offered up in cyberspace beyond my control.
Years ago I was having lunch one day with the cartoonist Richard Guindon, and the subject came up how neither one of us ever solicited or accepted ideas from others. But, until Richard summed it up quite neatly, I never really understood my own aversions to doing this: “It’s like having someone else write in your diary,” he said. And how true that statement rang with me. In effect, we drew cartoons that we hoped would be entertaining or, at the very least, not boring; but regardless, they would always come from an intensely personal, and therefore original perspective.
To attempt to be “funny” is a very scary, risk-laden proposition. (Ask any stand-up comic who has ever “bombed “on stage.) But if there was ever an axiom to follow in this business, it would be this: be honest to yourself and — most important — respect your audience.
So, in a nutshell (probably an unfortunate choice of words for me), I only ask that this respect be returned, and the way for anyone to do that is to please, please refrain from putting The Far Side out on the Internet. These cartoons are my “children,” of sorts, and like a parent, I’m concerned about where they go at night without telling me. And, seeing them at someone’s web site is like getting the call at 2:00 a.m. that goes, “Uh, Dad, you’re not going to like this much, but guess where I am.
I hope my explanation helps you to understand the importance this has for me, personally, and why I’m making this request.
Please send my “kids” home. I’ll be eternally grateful.
Most respectfully,

Gary Larson

• Note: I know how he feels, because people keep talking about the Turds of Misery. Also, now kids know who Gary Larson was.

Seven Mary 3, Seven Mary 4

I couldn’t have seen CHiPs in its early run, because my stupid town didn’t have decent TV. So I’m guessing I saw it in syndicated in the late ’70s. I haven’t seen it since. This is rare for me; I have watched and re-watched most of the television of my childhood through various means for years. CHiPs is the one that got away. This is why, watching the Season 1 DVD box set, I am struck by a combination of nostalgia and WTFness. Some thoughts:

• The theme music and score is the best example of ’70s TV soul-jazz-funk-rock-swing you will ever hear.

While Ponch (Erik Estrada) was marketed as the show’s star, and that’s how I remember him, it’s interesting now to see how the writers crafted the character of Jon Baker (Larry Wilcox) as a decent man, a solid cop and a true friend. Baker is clearly the real leader, but he lets Ponch think he’s calling the shots. Speaking of shots: Neither ever drew a gun on the show, although Baker carried a long brown stick.

• The one scene I have always remembered involved twin sisters changing places while driving; I saw that scene today.

Erik Estrada might actually be the best-looking man who has ever lived. I’m changing my pick for who plays me in the Starbase 66 movie to Erik Estrada. Sorry, Tony Danza.

One entire episode is built around spurious reasons for a temporary transfer to the Malibu station, which all leads to an extended 10-minute montage of Ponch and Jon roaring around on very early Kawasaki Jet Skis. “Boys, the sponsors have a request.” This is the beginning of product placement in modern television. Actually, the entire series is product placement, selling ’70s California.

• The pop culture references are insane: The guys arrest H.R. Pufnstuf in one episode, and the same three Volkswagen Beetles flank them in every highway scene. This would continue into the reunion movie, CHiPs ’99, which featured Ponch and Jon on the Judge Judy show.

Grossman wasn’t as fat as I remember. That says more about what was considered fat in the ’70s than it does about attitudes today. But what’s weird is the jokes about his weight, jokes we couldn’t get away with now. For instance, this would be in really bad taste:

• Sarge (Robert Pine) sometimes has a look on his face, something like “Wow, my kid is going to grow up to be Captain Kirk! So I can handle this Estrada punk.”

Erik Estrada went on to a career in Mexican TV, American soaps and reality shows, and has continued his philanthropic work since his glory days on CHiPs.

• When we were kids, we played an elaborate game called CHiPs vs. Dukes that involved BMX bikes, slingshots, tight jeans and blow-dried hair.

Larry Wilcox is now some kind of stock-fraud schemer and is going to jail after pleading guilty. He probably won’t be invited to cameo in the new movie.

• Oh, yeah, there’s a new movie (although it’s been in talks for years). Set for 2011, it will star Wilmer Valderrama (Fez) as Ponch, which is not as dumb an idea as you are thinking. I think Justin Bieber should play Jon. Okay, that’s as dumb an idea as you’re thinking.

Overall verdict: Formulaic, yes. Charming, yes. Well-acted, yes. Formulaic, yes. CHiPs holds up as a fun artifact of a simpler time, and also makes me want to buy polyester slacks.

Turds of Misery Fan Club Revealed

Billy made the mistake of thinking Hil was out back ironing decals onto the T-shirts when he climbed into the van with that girl who used to go out with the drummer in Local Corn. He’s been paying for that mistake ever since. The Turds would dedicate their limited-issue 45 single, Draft Card (All You Can Drink), to Billy, but he’s just finding out about it now, so it was kind of a waste of effort. Turds of Misery.

Holiday Memories

Years later, Courtney Love would suddenly flash back to that strange Christmas visit to Uncle Delbert and Aunt Maude’s house, and realize that everything since makes perfect sense.

… see more of this brilliant series by David Lachapelle here.

You’ve Already Seen Rambo V. You Just Didn’t Realize It

Word out of Hollywood these days is that actor-writer-director Sylvester Stallone has dropped plans to make Rambo V, choosing instead to focus on The Expendables 2. This is no surprise; Rambo IV, also called John Rambo and just Rambo, was a nicely handled comeback (and a perfect one-two punch with Rocky Balboa), but it was The Expendables that really put Stallone back on top of the Hollywood action heap.

Watching The Expendables this weekend (finally), a few things occurred to me. First, this is really a Jason Statham movie, and I would like to see Jason Statham play someone other than the bald smartass buttkicker he always plays. Secondly, this movie needed Christopher Walken. Third, Stallone’s character, Barney Ross, was really John Rambo.

Let’s examine the facts:

1. When we last saw John Rambo, he was back on U.S. soil, going to see his daddy.
2. Mention is made in The Expendables that “Barney Ross” is not his real name.
3. Barney is in the process of getting a series of tattoos from Mickey Rourke (which seems to me about as safe as getting a series of fuckings from Mickey Rourke, but hey, that’s Hollywood). A joke in the film has someone mistake Barney’s raven tattoo for a black chicken.
4. The raven is the symbol of The Expendables. Rambo’s callsign in Vietnam, when he was an elite killing machine before being captured and tortured, was Raven.
5. While riding down the river in Rambo II, our hero explains that he is one of the army’s expendables. “You know, like when you get invited to a party and you don’t go, and nobody cares.” Later, Co (Julia Nickson) says “Rambo, you no expendable,” and Rambo says “Wow, what a fantastic actress.”
6. “Ooh,” you’re saying. “He’s all onto something and shit. This guy knows his Rambo!”
7. When Rambo wakes up after being frozen for decades in a cryogenic prison, there is mention of a fellow inmate named Scott Peterson who was put in for murder in 1999. This predates the actual real-life Scott Peterson murder case! It’s like that World Series bit in BTTF2.
8. There is repeated mention of the need for psychotherapy in the film; at every turn, Barney gives a knowing nod.
9. Wait, No.7 was from a different movie. I can’t tell them apart, to be honest. I still tend to think Brigitte Neilsen was in First Blood.
10. Barney Ross has big muscles, can fly a plane, and looks kind of an older drag-queen version of Sylvester Stallone. So did Rambo in the last Rambo flick!

The conclusion is inescable: After the events of Rambo IV, John Rambo got some professional help and probably Zoloft, calmed down, likely got laid and finally realized that he should quit hiding in the jungle, get a haircut and finally get paid to do what he does best. So he formed a mercenary force, recruited a bunch of former wrestlers, changed his name and got some tattoos to cover up his telltale torture scars, soon finding the cameraderie missing for so many years (remember the opening of First Blood?) and shaking off the brooding gloom that had darkened the past few decades. Also, he still gets to blow things up and shoot people.

Party at Kitten and Stud's 2

So when The Expendables 2 comes out, folks, you’ll be watching Rambo VI. Well, First Blood 6 if you want to get technical about it.

On a positive note: at one point, Rambo V was going to feature Rambo hunting an alien monster in the jungle. I am not making that up; we dodged a 50-cal bullet that time! There has also been talk of sequels to Oscar and Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot, starring Christopher Walken, with Stallone as his mom.

Rambo or Barney? You decide.

“You know what you are. What you’re made of. War is in your blood. Don’t fight it. You didn’t kill for your country. You killed for yourself. God’s never gonna make that go away. When you’re pushed … killing’s as easy as breathing. — John Rambo, Thailand, 2008, to himself while making his own weapons in a blacksmithy. Seriously.

Today’s Morons: The Guys Who Robbed The Free Store

I had never heard of a free store until today, but it’s actually a really cool idea. People pay a small amount to drop off unwanted, but useable, items — toys, clothes, electronics, books — and other people can just come in and take what they want. This keeps goods out of landfills and helps people of limited means  to finally have that 12-inch Sears TV set with the wired remote control, or a suede jacket with those fringes.

The store I’m talking about is in Edmonton. And this week, two idiots broke in and stole stuff. They stole the free stuff.

Another reason I like the idea of a free store is how it fits into the changes to the way we dispose of things. Where I live, we are allowed a two-lift trash pickup once a week (two bags, two cans, a can and a bag, etc.) and we are mandated by law to recycle. So it can be difficult, considering the size of my family, but we adjust. It’s the big stuff that’s tricky; you have to pay the city or a private contractor to dispose of furniture, appliances, dead skunks and electronics. So I can see how having a free store would work; I would happily pay a couple of bucks to drop off something that might have future use, because otherwise, it’s a pain in the ass.

Did I mention that two idiots broke in and stole the free stuff? Here, read this.

I would like to open a free store. If I did, I would hire Jakob and Mandi from the Nerd Hurdles podcast as my multimedia directors, because, you know, I worked in retail for years, and “multimedia director” was a pretty common job title, especially at the discount store, where I think it was the guy who knew how to write in bubble letters on those little orange signs. His name was Chuck, and all I’ll say about him is that when he married a woman, we were all pretty surprised.

At my store, I would need someone to Tweet my Twitters, Face my Book and fold the Hudson’s Bay blankets while I am working the front of the store, which would involve a lot of Clerks-style shit-shooting with security director Paddy J. Forde. Also, my free store would only accept iPods and comic books.